For anyone who has ever been silenced, it is always difficult once you have found your voice, to be quiet again. When you are being attacked by the ferociousness of someone else’s internal ills, there is a part of you who wants to stand up and reject the insanity with reason and warning.
When someone chooses to hate you with their words because you resemble something that they envy, or you resemble something about them that they hate it can create a cycle of abuse. We see this in parents who raise children like themselves and become disenchanted when the children began to show how they resemble the parent. We also see this in people who are living a mediocre angry, bitter life who want their misery to be the best of day’s events.
I am all for optimism but what I understand is that people are who they are, and when they show you who they truly are, you must use wisdom to make determinations about your personal boundaries. Unfortunately, they may have to be separated if it means that you be become affected by their energy.
Christians will say that we must set the atmosphere, and that we must be the change that we want to see. I am all for that, but I also realize when I am fighting an exhausting game of foolishness that quite frankly, I do not have to fight.
Raise Your Voice – say it with me, “I Have The Power To Say No!” I had a series of incidences over the last couple of weeks with some folks who were completely disrespectful and unwelcoming to me. They were down right foul! I spoke my mind and stood up for myself but their anger grew as if to say that I was supposed to be subject to their words and pouncing without speaking out.
Opinions vary on the matter. Some say just ignore ignorant people. My mother wanted to high-tail it out of there, laugh at their foolishness and completely disengage forever. I was a little too upset to laugh. I was slow to anger but the point is I did get angry. I haven’t been stirred up with anger like that in a long time.
To resolve the matter, I did speak my mind, and hoped that they would see the error of their ways - until I realized how intentional it was. So, here is my resolve. I do not have to be silent because someone else is out-of-control. I can maintain my boundaries, speak my peace and if they are not willing to acknowledge their faults I have to option to take my space back.
We want the best in our relationships, especially when we are meeting new people. We all want to be loved, embraced, included and welcomed. Although my husband and I may feel some disappointment with this situation what we know is ourselves. We are unwilling to be disgruntled and torn down, to have constant disruption and distress. The decision is actually quite easy.
Leave the foolishness at the door, or leave with your foolishness!!!
My relationship tip for today is that you feel empowered to speak your mind. You can do this without calling names or being abusive like the party that you may be having a challenge with.
One thing that you need to know about bullies is that like most animals they are more afraid of you that you will ever be of them. Remember that! Also know that if you’re a healer like me, you don’t want to call people names, but you do want to be clear that threats are not acceptable! For me, yelling and screaming – all of it is off course with my relationship boundaries.
You can do the following things to help resolve matters of conflict. By the way some people say they don’t have conflict but I whole-heartedly disagree. Some people silence themselves, and the bitterness grows internally. Just because no one can see your hatred does not mean that it won’t wear on you and cause dis-ease, dis-connections, and other side effects that put a damper on your relationships.
Relationship Tip #1
Deal with it – It is okay to have your own thoughts, feelings and emotions. These three adjectives make up your soul. It is okay to have a spiritual revelation about the situation. It is okay for your body to physically respond (sweating, shaking) signs of being angered or upset. By ignoring it, you only ignite it later. Have you ever heard of people who ignore everything that is going on until they can’t take it anymore, and then they go coo-for-cocoa puffs?
Relationship Tip #2
Raise Your Voice – Tell the person your version of events and how you would like to reconcile the matter. Be willing to listen to their version as long as they are not abusing you. If they are emotionally abusive in their language stop them and inform them that they can come back when they are ready to be calm.
Relationship Tip #3
Move on – There are many constants in life and you may have never heard this from anyone else but I do believe that relationship is a constant, like time and energy. I do believe that we were created to be related. With that said, you can not ignore broken relationships or assume that “time heals all wounds”. I believe that there are some elements that are missing from the ‘time heals all wounds’ statement. You have to move on, and in so doing, you will have to make a decision as to whether the individual(s) involved will have the opportunity to move on in life with you.
Of course I am being general-specific in this entry, but here’s the thing whatever is supposed to be apart of your path will stay in position, and what is not intended will not be. There are certain relationships that will be healed in your life but will never be as if nothing happened before. Take my siblings, our pursuit in counseling (those who attend) will likely heal our relationships enough for our children and all of us to enjoy each other but I don’t think that we’ll be traveling to islands together for weeks at a time.
We choose life, and we choose relationships. We choose love, and we choose fear. We are the authority that makes our lives look like what we envision. There is however a convenient discovery with relationships that I would like to leave with you. Like time, how we relate to everything is perpetual. The unspoken words, missed phone calls, forgotten birthdays and all that we remember matter in the course of our relationships.
Your indecision, are decisions. What you do today matters. So think about your entire life, and all that you look forward to happening for you in the future. You will have to make decisions about your relationships from this vantage point. As for raising your voice, I don’t mean yelling and screaming but I do mean speaking your mind and being unapologetic about standing up for yourself so that you have a voice.
I am not promoting your to argue but to dialogue. I am not promoting a match where each person has to make their point and listening is not important. Remember intention is key.
My relationship tip is that if you raise your voice and others continue to try to bully or silence you, take a stand and walk away with your head high, and your spirit and intention in the right place.
People who love you will not offer to harm you. The truth about how someone sees, remembers or claims to love you can be heart-breaking, and frustrating at times but as you grow, you will learn that it is better to know your fellow man’s heart than to guess it. Act accordingly!
And there is truth that can make you free today. What is for you, is absolutely for you. There is a lesson that I learned from a pastor. I put this lesson in my memoir, Identity Crisis, Identity Christ Is: A Journey To Love.
The lesson is very simple. You must put “it” down to pick “it” up again. You can fill in the “it” blank on your own. Perhaps you want love, friendship, close family relationships, or something else that you will have to “put down”. In other words, do not be overly consumed with the person. Put the experience that you want in your heart, in your meditation and prayer time. Ask for wisdom. It may or may not be that particular person that you find the experience you want but you will find it – a higher power will bring it to you.
We don’t lose, we always gain. I wish you relationship wisdom.