Can People Help Both Victims and Perpetrators of Domestic and Sexual Violence?

I just got off of the phone with someone who I know was severely sexually abused, who I also suspected to be a pedophile based on things that were shared with me, and comments made here on this website (that I did not approve).

I allowed some time to go by from several comments, and decided to call her to have a conversation about her comments. I wanted to make sure that I was not assuming her thoughts.

The more that she defended Alfred Kinsey from my blog written HERE, saying that it was wrong for him to sexually abuse children but the information that came from the abuse was useful, sent red flags flying extremely high.

Why do you need to know that a child can climax? She tried to take me back in history stating that women used to not know how to use their bodies. Again, what does this have to do with children?

Silence can lead to isolation. - Ressurrection Graves

Silence can lead to isolation. – Ressurrection Graves

I tried to ask questions, to speak and to clarify certain parts of the conversation, but she became loud, and although she called my writings aggressive toward perpetrators, it was she who would not allow me to get a word in edgewise. She would abruptly cut me off, and after a while, I would say, “Let me finish my sentence.” She would then actually say, “Imma cut you off!”

I made this statement to her, and I will make this statement to you. My ministry is not for pedophiles. When I said this, she revealed who she really was representing, saying that she has been on both sides of the coins. She began to tell me that I was wrong for having a ministry that did not work both sides.

Perpetrators and pastors who are working with perpetrators call me often. I do not have anything against working with anyone who wants to heal and to stop offending. In fact, I have been in training to help perpetrators of domestic and sexual violence alongside my husband, for group facilitation. I welcome opportunities to support individuals who desire to be forgiven by God, and live a life that will not harm children.

I believe that God will send individuals to me who desire to stop offending. In fact, I will share this testimony:

A woman called me a few weeks ago. She found my blog “Does God Forgive Child Molesters?” She then “LIKED” my Facebook page and sent me a message. She requested a session with me.

She said that in short she was molested, and she molested someone. All of the offenders were family members. This was incest. She was buried in grief and wanted to know how to overcome what she had done. Among my supportive words I encouraged her to forgive herself. She had gone to the victim, she had spoken to God, and now she needed desperately to relinquish the bondage that she put herself in, by forgiving herself.

In another blog, Why Child Sexual Abuse Grooming Must Become A Felony, you’ll see that the perpetrator in this case was after a sixteen year old girl, and he pretended his repentance for public forgiveness while he continued to perpetrate without any desire to stop. Of course, I wrote this blog based on an interview with the victim’s father Jason Kidd who was best friend’s with the perpetrator.

In a very powerful spiritual encounter, the woman from Facebook that we’ll call Diane, connected and I supported her in her healing. During that conversation, God began to speak to me about this woman’s marriage. The next week she called, and we began to have an equally powerful conversation about her, and her marriage. I continue to work with her, and I have an open door for her to call me.

My blog is called, Love, Life and Relationships: Overcoming Emotional and Child Sexual Abuse. The primary purpose of this blog is to support individuals who have been sexual abused or otherwise a victim in their healing processes. In no way is my ministry to support pedophile behavior. I have no tolerance for it.

I support healing. This means that whether you are a victim of child sexual abuse, or a person who has perpetrated, and you desire to heal from your past, I am available to support you through that process. 

The woman I spoke to tonight said that my blog was centrally focused and that I am “so aggressive” toward pedophiles. I was a victim of child sexual abuse, and I will never condone predator behavior. I created Ten Ways to Safeguard Your Child From Sexual Abuse, and I created a term called, Child Sexual Abuse Grooming. My focus is adult healing and child protection.

ten ways to safeguard your child from sexual abuse poster

I receive phone calls often to support others in healing, and sometimes those calls have people on the other end who have sexually abused someone. In most cases, they are people who have also been sexually abused. To be more specific, I help a lot of individuals who have been incested, who desire to end the generational curses within their families. When they call they are pleading to know how to overcome what they have done, and to be right with God. This is my ministry. When I “counsel” others in domestic or sexual violence I am doing so from a spiritual, ministerial perspective.

I’m not putting a list of resources on my website for perpetrators because God did not tell me too. I have hundreds of pictures of children on this website. It makes absolutely no sense to me, to bring pedophiles on this website on purpose.

While I believe that God is a healer, and I do possess wisdom, I am also clear that there is no current cure for pedophilia. This website is not going to mix victims with pedophiles. In other words, if I were to create a program that was specific for perpetrators, I would create and brand a separate website for them to connect to so that it does not draw confusion. I do not at this time have a plan to do this in my future.

In speaking with Diane, she indicated that she had done the work to heal from being a victim of child sexual abuse. She however needed to work through being the abuser. This indicates to me that these are separate processes for healing though the abuse may be generational.

This is a safe place. As an example, one of the reasons that churches are stagnant on ending domestic violence among its members is because they continue to teach that marriage counseling no matter the circumstances should include both parties. Why would a woman being brutally beat, disclose this in front of her pastor and abusive husband? He will take her home and throw her down the steps, or drag her in front of her children.

Likewise, I follow my spirit. I will always hold sexual predators accountable. And those who are ready to receive supernatural, mental and physical healing are those that I have found frequent my website, and/or contact me for personalized support and healing work.

I do not apologize for my vision, and I am more inspired to continue work that heals.

Ressurrection Graves Quote

Ressurrection Graves Quote

I do not know whether the woman who prompted me to write this blog, is actively offending or not. I know that she is co-facilitating groups with perpetrators of sexual violence. My concern is her mindset. She kept saying that I did not promote forgiveness or compassion.

I promote forgiveness and compassion. Whether or not I forgive you should not be important. When someone calls me and needs support, I do not harbor any feelings toward their actions. The only people that I need to forgive are my perpetrators, and myself for things that I have done that I may have needed to repent for.

There is no way that I could do what I do everyday without possessing compassion to do so. Compassion is an action word, like love. What I will not do is condone child molesting, under any circumstances.

Perpetrators, sexual predators, pedophiles, rapists, are all master manipulators, and accountability not excuses are necessary during treatment. The woman I spoke to tonight said that I was the “aggressor” against perpetrators on my blog saying that I am focused on the victim.

Individuals who are perpetrators of domestic and sexual violence are often acting as the aggressor to exert power and control. Victims on the other hand have a different position, often feeling helpless and without control.

The answer is yes, as a licensed minister or professional you can help both victims and perpetrators of domestic and sexual violence. These groups will need to be isolated into separate programs so that victims and perpetrators are separated for a number of reasons, some mentioned in this article.

My mentor also worked with perpetrators of domestic and sexual violence for years. She has shared stories with me of how perpetrators would run to the meeting revealing that they did all they could to get there to prevent harming someone. Those are the stories that move me. This is the impact that I envision.

If that makes me ineffective, I will refer you to someone else who can help you.

Ressurrection Graves is a Child Sexual Abuse Expert and Healer. She speaks nationwide and has authored several books on child sexual abuse and homelessness.

About Ressurrection

Ressurrection Graves is a Child Sexual Abuse Grooming Expert and H.E.A.L.E.R. (Healer, Educator, Activist, Life Skills Expert, Empowerment Speaker, Relationship Mentor) Her website reaches readership in 188 countries. She is available for national speaking engagements, radio and television interviews. She can be reached at: 202.717.7377 or send your request to: ressurrection dot wordpress at yahoo dot com or comment on http://www.ressurrection.wordpress.com
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