For women it is typical to write a list to be clear about what you want in a partner or relationship, but have we been doing this all wrong? I have a list of 29 character traits, habits, and personality traits that I want for my husband-to-be to possess. I felt overwhelmed by my own list since the majority of guys that I have come across lately are “Cobies”. Cobie is a term that I use in my book, Identity Crisis, Identity Christ Is: A Journey to Love
Yahzarah’s single Last to Leave, , is my favorite song by her. It could be because of her vocal abilities, but the words are so significant.
I keep thinking that I need someone that will not leave but in all of my relationships they try to stay. It’s me, who threatens to leave discreetly, and eventually I get them to agree that “maybe it’s not working out” and we break up. They always come back. For me, what I am learning is that I need someone that I can’t walk away from. Sometimes we fight for the relationship because our emotions are involved, but we know that the person doesn’t have the qualities that we really want or need in a life partner.
After a conversation with a friend who has been married for atleast 30 years, he left me with the following prayer. He said ask God to give you someone that you cannot refuse. He went on that he married someone that was perfect for him, but she did not have the model look that he was used to. He is happily married and if I might add an amazing father to his children and serial entrepreneur.
During the Brandy and Ray J reality show that I caught a glimpse of this weekend, the mother was talking about their 35 years of marriage. She mentioned that us young people, leave but the key is to stay. I think she just called us weaklings, punks, quitters, and based on the divorce rate it may be true.
We find all of these reasons to be together but, then we discover all of these reasons to leave.
I am talking to myself when I say that I have compromised the list that I came up with because unfortunately there are no prospects if I keep the list. However, when I get into friendships, or dating relationships I become unhappy, not because I am a pessimistic or chronically unhappy person but because I know that I am not keeping with my own personal non-negotiables.
There are some things on my list that may be negotiable. I want a man for instance that knows how to pray and has an intimate relationship with God. He doesn’t have to be an aspiring preacher or connected to a specific ministry in the church, but he should have a clarity or vision of his ministry to the world to some degree. If he is an NFL athlete great, but I know that God has put something special on the inside of him to be a person of influence as an Entrepreneur, a teacher, a counselor etc…
I want my man to be true to himself, and in so doing, I have been choosing the wrong guys who are not on my list, and allowing them to be true to themselves has cost my being treated like the beautiful woman that I am. When you are not treated with your value, it can diminish your sensibilities. Needless to say, I am happy to be single.
I am a hopeless romantic and dating a man who is not emotionally available doesn’t work for me. I need someone who is in touch with his feelings and who is extremely affectionate. I don’t mind being touched and loved on in public.
I think when you meet anyone you should know what they are looking for. You may not want to say that you want to get married because married is some kind of freakish two headed monster to guys. I would like to clear this up by the way. Just because a girl wants to get married, doesn’t mean that she wants to marry you. You must qualify.
I cannot tell you how many guys have suggested that I am perfect for them but insisted that they were not good enough for me, or at least they questioned it. Note to self, if the man has to question whether he is good enough for you, he is not. Raising his confidence doesn’t change who he is. Remember, he knows his own thoughts, intentions, and his character so if he doesn’t believe in himself, rather than jumping into help meet mode to support him, you should….believe him. Even worse, if you ask his best friends for the truth and they can’t even lie to you, then if you choose to continue dating him, don’t allow emotions to get involved, it will not last.
When you have found a good man with a good reputation, people will say nice things about him. The last guy that I dated just happened to be someone that had friends that knew me. I did not do this on purpose trust me. But they all told him things like how did you get her? Well, she’s a good girl, don’t mess this up. Funny thing is, that was a warning for me!
So what does Ressurrection want? Of course I can give you the superficial answers like he should look like Lamman Rucker or Morris Chestnut, and have swag like Michael Jordan and Denzel Washington. Have you ever seen the walk on Michael Jordan and Denzel Washington? Lord ha mercy. I would like him toes not to look chewed up or his hands to be filthy.
But when I did some soul-searching and looked at my list again here is the honest to god truth, I want a man who will take care of me. I look back at my teenage dating experiences, and I have always been treated with respect, even my boyfriends’ friends looked out for me by association. If I went on a date and my girls wanted to go, by man would take care of all the ladies as a gesture of kindness. And that is just my truth. I think that it is manly to love a woman by protecting her and being a giver. Likewise I am a giver.
I have found that men are so focused on their own selfish needs that they don’t open the door anymore. I have dated the thug and the nerd and they both open the car door for me. I believe in love, and I believe it is an action word; a spiritual experience. Love is God, and God is love and fear cannot co-exist. On that principle alone, there are millions of men that are not open hearted enough to date me. I have been told that I am deep or insightful. I am channeled, and I know what I want.
On my list, to sum up all the things that are important to me I would have to have a man that knows what love is, and desires it wholeheartedly, and knows when it’s staring him in the face. I would have to have a man who is unselfish, and comfortable in his skin. I don’t want a man that parties all night in the clubs, or who has a daughter. It is my personal belief that any man that I am really attracted to would be an amazing father to his children, and therefore not have or make time for me. Additionally, having a daughter is hard because she often has daddy around her finger, and also openly displays her disdain with you to the father.
I don’t know how this happened but I became fascinated by the show with Keeping up with the Kardashians. I love Khloe, Lamar Odom’s wife. I missed the first seasons I don’t watch much television and have never paid for cable. I would rather read. However, as the re-runs were airing I had a chance to see how Khloe and Lamar got married. I had an opportunity to see him. I loved that he was not afraid to cry, and that he was so connected to his emotions. It did not make him a punk, it made him whole. He is comfortable in his skin, he is aware of his feelings, and he handled himself well. I love the way he loves her. For many who do not believe that you can meet someone and fall in love, although I have kept this silent, I don’t believe this at all. I have no proof personally because I haven’t done it, I am not married, but Lamar and Khloe did! She mentioned that he turns over and says I love you in his sleep. That is love and it is beautiful.
Finally I want to try to describe the kind of love that I want. When I was younger, and fell in love for what I credit as the first time it was an inseparable bond. We were joined at the hip, we explored each other physically (amazing), we didn’t care what anyone said about us and we could not wait for the opportunity to tell the world that we were in love. I feel like I am not doing this any justice. It was an irresponsible unexplainable high that heroine or sniffing paint would never compare to. It was euphoric, and to some degree we were selfish in that, spending our time with each other were priority over everything. We went to school together, and we defended each other. It was beautiful to know that another person could care for me that much. Here is a song by Kari Jobe that reminds me of the kind of love that I am talking about:
We are adults now, and we have to work and carry on our individual lives but I want that ecstasy experience. For Christians you do know what I mean because you have been to that place with God where all you want to do is spend time in his presence. You may worship God with singing, dancing, or maybe you just want to study him to get to know him better. Think about what it would be like to date God, but in a man…that is what I want.
He is not to replace God but when we know the love of God, and have a clarity about the way in which he loves us, treating the person that we love the way that God would is easier to do after all, love is an action word. I also know that there are humanistic realities to which I must remember, about his clothing being in the floor or not washing the dishes. Maybe he needs to be good with money or some other thing that is important. Because I am a writer, I would love him to enjoy reading but that is a negotiable. He may not like reading but if he loves me, he’ll read my work exclusively which will make me feel even more special. I would like him to be interested in business. He doesn’t have to be a big business mogul but I would like for us to share business and entrepreneurship in common.
I just believe that if we get back to love, true love then the practical things will be more desirable because you want your mate to be happy. Maybe the world I live in, where love is this indescribable experience doesn’t exist anymore and I will grow old with these desires, but I have to believe that there is at least one other person on this planet within my age range that happens to be 6’0-6’5 200-250lbs preferably look like Lamman Rucker, or Morris Chestnut, who feels the same way about love, who desires the same things and brings his strengths to the relationship. Conversely, if he has a different physical appearance but the love making is out of this world, I will be just fine. I would rather have heaven in my bedroom than to have someone that looks like heaven but can take me there in the bedroom. It is definitely important to me to find compatibility in all areas.
As for Lamar, I love that he knew what he wanted and he was not afraid. In a separate episode, the father Bruce let the family go to NY and he stayed home. He was considered the party pooper. He saw that this really bothered his wife Kris. I thought that he should have hopped on a plane and surprised his wife, but I respected that he gave her something new to come home to. He stayed true to himself as a man, but he realized how important it was that he, do something to keep his wife’s attention. He cut his hair and added diamond earrings. She loved it! And quite frankly, even I think this 60 year old man looks sexy. Get it Bruce!
I want love, in a way that I have never had it before. I want to meet someone who is genuine, kind, loving, and giving who cares about my day, my thoughts and who becomes a true friend. I want someone who cannot live without me, and someone that I cannot leave. I want a man with an edge, refer to McLyte’s Ruffneck, and someone hopelessly romantic like Jada Pinkett’s beau in the move Set it off. As much as I want a man in Timberland’s or Nike Boots, and a three piece tuxedo in a business environment, I want to be free to be the same. TLC can explain exactly what I mean in their video Hat 2 da Back. I come from a time in life where it wasn’t gay for a woman to dress baggy, it was actually sexy to men. Aaliyah, Salt-N-Pepa, Mc Lyte, and Queen Latifah are all examples of women who were sexy in baggy clothes.
I want something that I have never had before. I want to travel with my man to great national parks, maybe even climb a mountain. I want the full experience of a dating relationship. I don’t want to be duped for dinner and a movie, or backyard B-B-Q’s alone.
And I love family. Since I am not close to mine, it would be an honor to find a man with a large family who have positive relationships with each other. I want to look forward to holiday gatherings, and spur of the moment dinners. I think that is why I am drawn to watch the Kardashians. I have never been out with my sisters, never. Not even once. We have never all went out to anything together, not a movie or anything else.
Maybe I do need a man who is financially established, but the money won’t win me over, his heart will. Look at your list, are you really dating someone that is the person that you would desire to spend your life with? I’m not asking if he’s the one, I’m asking if you are even in the dating ball park. I’m not. Just as I have decided for my business that I need a change, so does my love life.
So, I am praying that I send and receive the right energy so that I get men of character, distinction who are responsible, single, faithful, seeking friendship and true love. At least, I should have some choices, and we’ll see what happens. Honestly, I hope that it happens like Khloe. This is something I have always wanted. I don’t need three years to figure out if you’re good for me. I know in the beginning, and whether I continue the relationship beyond knowing that you are not, is a whole other conversation. I hope that when the one comes, I just know and we just flow, and that we act unafraid and live in the liberty of love. The world tells you that you have to become friends, or do it a certain way, but GOD said that it was good for man not to be alone, and Adam went to sleep and then arrived Eve. Not to simplify this example but your spirit will speak, and I would like to find someone who knows that I was made to love him.