How to ask for what you REALLY want: A Quick Relationship Guide

The last few hours of 2010 were met with great wisdom and I caught it on tape. Princess of Controversy, a woman of many gifts shared some borrowed wisdom from an article in this month’s edition of O Magazine.

For instance, if your New Year’s resolution is to lose ten pounds—a noun-verb goal—but your adjectives are strong, confident, and healthy, you might realize that your actual aim is to get fit. – Martha Beck

Below after, this brief video from Princess, I am going to share with you how I have personally applied this teaching, and I would love for you to do the same leaving it in a comment.

I believe that I have asked for the experience. I must begin to test myself. For my illustration here I will use some adjectives to describe what I want for my spiritual mate.

My goal for 2011: I want a husband. According to the article, and Princess, that is not an adjective. Actually, the statement “I want a husband” makes me cringe, so I know it’s making you uncomfortable.

Update: I applied the lessons from this blog and he came to me August 28th, 2011. We will be married on 8/28/13. I promise that this is possible for you.

Update: I applied the lessons from this blog and he came to me August 28th, 2011. We will be married on 8/28/13. I promise that this is possible for you.

If I can understand why I want a husband, maybe I can describe the experience that I am looking for. I actually think that this blog can help a lot of people, especially Christians.

We are not taught to disclose our wishes for matrimony, but to wait on the Lord. We are discouraged from conversations about relationships but there are some of us who really desire to be married.

And, the natural assumption for Christians especially if you are keeping yourself holy is that you want to get married to release some endorphins. Then you start getting the “marriage takes work” speeches and everything starts sounding like an episode of Charlie Brown.

If you have the desire to be married, it doesn’t mean that you are not focused. It could mean that you are horny but beyond the obvious, I think you are very focused. It is so annoying when I say, “I want to be married”, and people say “Stop Looking”. Who said I was looking? I digress. People make up pseudo wisdom when they don’t understand. I hope that this blog helps us all to ask for the “experience” that we really want.

I am going to try this with 5 different desires that I want, and list them corresponding with an example of the feeling that I have had before. I do not want anyone from my past. There is a reason that we are not together, but there have been times when what I want may have shown up in our relationship so I may have to use a guy for illustration only.

The “experience” that I am looking for is:

Trustworthy, Dependable, Truth-teller

Someone that I can count on and trust to be there for me no matter what. I remember one night a long time ago when I was in a relationship and I was having a horrible migraine  that made me cry uncontrollably. I had them on into my 20’s.I have been delivered/healed from them chronically. But at that time it was an incapacitating head pain that left me disoriented and screaming.

Anyway, the guy that I was in a relationship with was extremely loving to me. He in this case, stayed up with me and got me hot compress wash cloths every few minutes, all night until the migraine knocked me out. He did not sleep even though he had to be to work at 6am.

Nowadays, most men would probably disconnect and leave your house because although you’re sick they have work in the morning. He made me tea, which I was in too much pain to have. He held me between new hot wash cloths. There is an art to the hot wash cloth, it can’t get cold. That was the first time that I had felt love in that capacity. I was cared for.

Joy, Fun, Laughter:

Joy is a spiritual thing. Happiness can be fleeting; a feeling that comes and goes based on a moment or situation. I want an experience with someone who is filled with laughter. He may be really funny and or we share lots of fun together. I would really like a funny man.

So, my experience with funny you ask? A few years ago I through a combined birthday party for my now ex-fiance and my daughter. I had the moon-bounce, food, about 75 people, it was awesome. My daughter’s father came. Now, I don’t like my daughter’s father. I think he’s not a good person for various reasons but the man after 15 years still holds the title as the funniest man alive in my book.

He gives Kevin Hart a run for his money, without even trying. Long story short, I don’t know what he said but before I could catch myself I fell (literally) in my front yard. I know I looked like a fool, but he is a fool. I had one other man who I dated that was like this but we’ll talk about him in physical touch.

Again, I make mention of “experiences”, not people. I want to laugh everyday of my life, fall out on the floor, run to the bathroom with the pea dance, cry because he’s funny. I love it. I make my daughter laugh like this all of the time. She does the same for me.

Stability, Protection, Security:

I want to experience a stable home environment filled with peace, love and joy. I want to “experience” feeling stable, protected and secure. Why you ask? Because I want to know that I am loved, and that I have a family that is forever. (I know I’m not going deep on this one. Maybe another time lol)

I’m not sure how else to describe that I want a man who is unwavering. Okay…wait I’m working it out as I type. I want a man who will not leave. Although I can not predict which man will not leave, I do believe that Love is an ACTION word!

Intimacy, Friendship, Connected:

Quality Time is so important to me. I have two primary of the five love languages. One is Quality Time, and Physical Touch. In past relationships, very naturally we have spent time together. If you see one, you see the other. Of course you have nights out with the fellas or the ladies but for the most part you are naturally comfortable being with your soul mate, your friend at various events, and get-together.

What is the experience that I want with quality time? I think it really is just the three things that I listed above, intimacy, friendship and the connectedness that comes from having intimacy and friendship in your relationship. Some mates begin to look-alike, others talk alike for example. There is usually evidence of the friendship within the relationship. Additionally, you really get to “know” each other which is an intimate word biblically.

Free, Ecstasy, Desired!

Physical Touch? I don’t really know what adjectives I can use to describe the experience that I want without being liberal. I want the experience of affection. Physical touch is very natural to me, not just because I am a massage therapist. Physical Touch is my other primary love language.

You can use the fact that I am a massage therapist to confirm this as a natural desire, but I have always identified with touch. I want someone who enjoys kissing, cuddling, holding me, having his head massaged, exchanging massages. In a past relationship, I dated someone who would lotion me down after every shower from head to toe. I fell in love with this experience. There was a freedom to intimately connect.

You May Also Like: The Rules Of Engagement

I felt appreciated and adored. It was my own personal healing therapy. He was not a massage therapist and neither was I at the time. He made it clear that he enjoyed every inch of my body, and what woman would not want to feel that? He got to a point where he would anticipate my schedule before he would visit, and request that I wait to shower before he would arrive.

My desire is not to be overly graphic here but to make it clear that this was something that he enjoyed doing. For me, I want someone who enjoys giving of themselves. There are rewards! Without being too personal, this relationship was the greatest intimately physical relationship that I have ever had, period. He is happily married now, but we share the same perspective. Touch heals, expands, frees, creates…

Here are my five examples of How to ask for what you really want in 2011. I do desire to be in a healthy marital relationship but more so, I desire the experience of a life time with the person that I am spiritually, physically, mentally and emotionally connected with. I desire a true love experience.

Timeless Love

I used to work for L.L. BEAN in Tyson’s Corner Mall in Virginia a long time ago. I remember this man who I worked with who was presumably in his sixties.

He would come to work and while the young guys talked about who they were going to get next, or complain about their girlfriends/baby-mothers, he was the only one that would talk with deep love conviction about his wife. He would count the minutes to get off of work, just to get to her.

He would leave work early to pick her up. I thought it was because she never learned to drive as he shared but he said that he loved to pick her up because he wanted to be there for her. When he talked about her, he said he could not wait to get home. This was no act, and there was no one to impress.

Update: We will be married at the Jefferson Memorial on August 28, 2013. You are welcome to celebrate love with us.

Update: We will be married at the Jefferson Memorial on August 28, 2013. You are welcome to celebrate love with us.

I think they had been married for over 30 years and he was reacting like it had been three months. This is the experience I long for. When was the last time you met a man who brags without trying about love? He was so in love with her, we became attached to the story. It was contagious, everyone wanted to be loved like that and even the young men couldn’t help but pay attention. We wanted to meet her. She was like a celebrity the way he spoke of his love for her.

I want to be loved so much that it’s contagious and compelling. I think that is how true love is. Are we ever quiet about anything that we love? I want the experience of knowing that he can’t wait to get home to me; he is not distracted because in his mind there is only one woman that makes him “experience” love his way.


About Ressurrection

Ressurrection Graves is a Child Sexual Abuse Grooming Expert and H.E.A.L.E.R. (Healer, Educator, Activist, Life Skills Expert, Empowerment Speaker, Relationship Mentor) Her website reaches readership in 188 countries. She is available for national speaking engagements, radio and television interviews. She can be reached at: 202.717.7377 or send your request to: ressurrection dot wordpress at yahoo dot com or comment on
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11 Responses to How to ask for what you REALLY want: A Quick Relationship Guide

  1. Nicki says:

    I appreciate your honesty. Very specific, very encouraging, very enlightening. From your writing, I understand how to “ask for the experience” without ever reading the magazine article.

  2. Ken says:

    You speak about these “experiences” like you’ve never had them before, but obviously you have from your own words. Both men and women desire to be married and the very basic fundamentals of sheer honesty to each other in what they truely are looking for or who they are plays a major role in all our relationships whether intimate or plutonic. In today’s society we are often bombarded with images and notions of what love is, in the movie the Notebook is a perfect example of what most women what from men, and sometimes we as men are not even taught or shown how to love a woman. The 60yr old gentleman you spoke of comes from a distinguished time that is long forgetten on today’s youth, even some women don’t encompass the wifely qualities of years past but want to hold a title. Love isn’t something that should be worked on, it shouldn’t feel hard, but be timeless in an effort to what makes your partner happy cause it ultimately makes you happy. I’m not gonna say sit and wait for love or a husband to find you, live your life making yourself happy, and he who is for you(totally different than who you THINK you want) will be there by your side enjoying the same things you like.

    • The Notebook is my all time favorite movie about LOVE! I agree that times have changed, but LOVE (GOD) has not. I also agree it should not be hard and all of that good stuff. My reason for talking about experiences were more about a person’s ability to identify what it is that they are desiring subconsciously. Rather than saying, vaguely “I want to get married” or something like that, talking about the experiences that you want to have, or what you are looking for can help you to identify where you are personally. It was less about others and more about self-reflection. My stories were JUST EXAMPLES, I promise. I just wanted to get people’s minds thinking. Love should not be worked on and should be timeless, but your relationships are always in the works. It doesn’t have to be hard, but we do change, grow and become better people when we are truly in love. MEN desire to be married? LOL… since when? I agree that whomever he is will show up…I’m not looking…I’m not waiting either lol… I’m just chilln…always just chilln. *wink* Thank you so much for your comment! Always a pleasure.

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