4) Time- I admit it, I’m spoiled. In my relationships I’m used to my man going to hang out with his boys only to miss me at some point and come home (to me). I am used to being the person he tells his day to, and shares his funny or weird stories with. I know the tone of his voice before he speaks and his mood based on how many milliseconds he offers hesitation before he communicates with me. We do everything together, family cookouts, friend’s birthday parties, and game days. We are usually together whether we’re alone or in a group if work or other professional priorities are not involved. It’s fun and it’s how you really get to know each other.
In my last relationship there were tell-tale signs that were clearly red flags that I ignored. For example, I have heard people say that if you want to know if you are compatible with someone just take a road trip with them. If you argue the whole time, you are not compatible. My ex-Fiancé’ and I took a road trip from DC to Philly for a business conference within the first month of us dating. I have excellent directional sense, and for some reason we were lost in west jablip. We argued the entire time. It was horrible for me. I wanted to leave him there. He was immature, couldn’t focus, and I spent the whole time trying to get him excited. It was a weight and a burden, which proved to be the case in our entire relationship that I allowed to happen for years. He is the most selfish person that I have ever met in my entire life, and that one trip could have saved me a broken heart, some assets, my mind and some other things for that matter.
In my current situation, there is a man who desires to make me his “lady” but he does not call me, plan activities or spend quality time for me. If you are familiar with the Five Love Languages there is a test that you take to determine how you need to be loved. Well, tying for number one for me is quality time and physical touch. There should be no surprise there with me being a massage therapist and all. So, when I met this gentlemen and he and I both determined that we were looking for a long-term relationship, life partner (without using the words marriage, or mate), I was under the impression that he understood what it took to be in a relationship. His actions are contrary to what he states that his heart feels for me. But, ladies and gentlemen that is not going to work. This is an incredible red flag for me. See, in my last relationship, I compromised my mushy romantic self because the person that I was in a relationship with was emotionally absent, which made the relationship progressively emotionally abusive.
In order to guard my heart and to make sure that I do not allow myself to engage in relationships that compromise my non-negotiables I have decided to keep dating until he has shown me that he is “ALL IN”. He has been open about his lack of communication skills, and open about his desires to spend more time and to create a healthy relationship with me, however, time will tell and believe me, I’m paying attention.
How much time does he really want to spend with you? Is it too much or too little? Does he feel smothered? Is this just his personality? What about her? Is she too busy for you, with her career? Are you or your partner so attached to your family that you are not taking the time necessary to allow someone else in? And, is time a non-negotiable item for you? Ladies and Gentlemen like money matters, it’s hard to be honest about time. You do not want to be weird or be singled out; after all there are only two of you to discuss it. But you must be honest about your boundaries. I like doing things with my special someone but I know women who are emotionally displaced who do not feel it necessary to be around their man all of the time. I am the type of person that could work on projects with my man and could own a business or companies together, while some people would run from that situation, I see it as a strong, unbreakable union and bond; a force to be reckoned with.
Although you are not dating me, you will have to date someone to find your life partner and you must determine your comfort level with giving your time. To me, this should be something to discuss up front, and should be handled delicately. It is nothing wrong with your needs, but if the needs are vastly different it is possible that this person is not right for you.
In my opinion, these items should be discussed before you disclose bank accounts, and credit information. Find out what they believe first, it will save you some time and privacy.
Live, Love, and start locating your partner within.
Ressurrection Graves
October 21, 2010
Ressurrection
Love, Life, and Relationships: Overcoming Emotional and Child Sexual Abuse 