Defining Emotional Abuse
So far we have discussed a few types of Emotional Abuse and Psychological Abuse. We have identified abuse to be any behavior that is designed to control and subjugate another human being through the use of fear, humiliation and verbal or physical assaults. In the first article, “What is Emotional Abuse” we defined abuse to be any kind of abuse that is emotional rather than physical in nature.
It can include anything from verbal abuse and constant critism to more subtle tactics, such as intimidation, manipulation and refusal to ever be pleased. When I read the “refusal to ever be pleased” part I almost jumped out of my own skin.
I have a sister, Tamara in the book Identity Crisis, Identity Christ Is: A Journey to Love and a sister Deidre, both of which absolutely refuse to ever be pleased. They always seem to be particularly disgusted with anything or anyone at anytime, all of the time. Have you ever heard the term, walking on eggshells? For people who may be intimidated by their level of disappointment, and nasty attitudes they may walk on egg shells; fearful that they could upset either one of my sisters.
You will have to read my memoir, Identity Crisis, Identity Christ Is: A Journey to Love to find out where our relationships stand now, but for now I am reflecting on times when I have been put in some pretty uncomfortable positions.
I can remember distinctly going out to eat with Tamara, and having her send food back until we got it for free because she complained so much. She passed it down to me until I realized what in tarnations I was doing.
Now, there is nothing wrong with having your food cooked the way you want it or having a server that treats you with excellent customer service. If the food is nasty, you have a right to send it back, period. That is not what I am talking about.
My publishing company has done a horrible job with editing the book, and following clear instructions. I have been upset with them, asked for my money back, and have even felt at times that I wanted to walk away from the project. Of course, they refused my money back so I told them that they would put out a product that I could be proud of, period. That is not a far cry to ask for professional excellence. They did not give me their best and then I turn it down. They gave me sloppy seconds and thought that I would be comfortable with their tired productivity. Again, that is not what I am talking about.
Obsessive need for Perfection
I am talking about the obsessive need for perfection, when we are imperfect in our flesh. If you are sent a well done steak, and it is juicy (not dry), and it is the way that you asked for it, but you don’t like that it has a little too much well done to it you know you need to stop!
How are you treating your spouse?
Let me bring this home. If your husband comes home and takes out the trash but he forgets to put the trash bag in the trash can, you do not have to cuss him out. There are options. You can talk about it, but seriously? I used that scenario because that is one that annoys me personally but I’m not ruining my relationship over a trash bag, sorry!
I’m writing these blogs about emotional abuse because I want to see us think about the way that we treat each other everyday. We need to do some self-reflection so that we can stop murdering each other with our mouths.
It is a huge pet peeve of mine, I actually get very disappointed when a guy that I am dating goes to the store and brings me back something lame that they know I don’t want and then says, “Well, I will take it back”, or “I will drink/eat it myself.” First of all, be clear, that I have never been in a long-term relationship with anyone that insensitive or selfish in this way however, I can understand a woman being a little perturbed about this kind of situation.
I know that men as another example have feelings about a woman who won’t cook, clean or take care of certain things that the couple may have agreed to her handling. I know, I get it. Relationships can be challenging and communication is the key.
I think that the point when you should step back and look at yourself is if you find that as a result of your disappointment the person feels like they can never do anything right. My ex-fiance used to play that role but it wasn’t that he “couldn’t” do anything right like keep a job, it’s that he wouldn’t. He was extremely manipulative.
Let’s get out of relationships and go back to my sisters for a minute. My other sister Deidre is just mean. Someone should slap the hell out of her, literally. Even when she’s being nice its unreal, and believe you me it doesn’t last long at all. I understand that people who mean are hurting but, I’m over that excuse. She slaves her children and then screams at them like they are dogs if her teenage daughter misses a spot on the floor.
They have been emotionally abusive to me, which is actually why I am writing this series. After completing Identity Crisis, Identity Christ Is: A Journey to Love, and learning some things about me it has made it all the more clear that I have been treated poorly by family.
You have to read the book! Any who, my point is, that if you are the abuser in this case I am here to share with you as diplomatically as possible, that you are not God. You are not a perfect being, and that you are hurting people who genuinely love you.
When people are emotionally abused they eventually have a revelation. When they have this revelation, they usually end up leaving the abuser, allowing the abuser to find someone else to harm.
The thing is, I really don’t think that emotionally abusive people desire or can stand to be alone, so it doesn’t take long to find a new person with the same identity to abuse. That is my position based on experience.
Just take a moment, and think about it. Are you being emotionally abused? If so, you have the right to be loved and treated with respect. You have the right to make mistakes and learn from them without being bullied, manipulated and screamed at or made to feel intimidated!
If you are the abuser, I encourage you to look deep within and to figure out why someone else’s imperfection makes you so angry. What is it that you see in yourself that you hate so much, that you do not want to see in others?
*There will be more on this subject. Stay Tuned!
Buy the Book –> www.identitycrisisbook.com
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- “Grandma! Mommy! Can you please stop calling me a Stank Pussy Bitch?” (ressurrection.wordpress.com)
- My Letter to My Mother – Overcoming Emotional Abuse (ressurrection.wordpress.com)
- Taking the Stand (ressurrection.wordpress.com)
- What I’ve Learned This Year II: How business partners teach you are personal relationships (ressurrection.wordpress.com)
Hello again thanks for you response to my comment earlier and yes i have just read you knew piece may i say you have not had it easy have you and i understand where your coming from . firstly if your in a restruant you deserve to be treated with respect and food should be presented in a palatable state meaning hot and looking eadible yes its not nice and can be quite emabarrasing if food is fine and someone with you is constantly complaining about it . i personaly would feel embarrased bye this,and also feel sorry for staff dealing with situation .maybe i wouldnt have gone for a meal with the lady concerned again and had a few polite words to say after you had left the restraunt . regarding the abuse and feeling abused it can have two effects one which you have stated it could cause you to abuse or it could make you feel very sensitive about and anxious which you shouldnt have to feel in life .you should feel comfortable in life and calm and be happy not nervous around people . love is very important and trust to in relationships ,communication is important and people should be able to discuss things without arguing if not you should be able to agree to disagree or meet each other half way over things .
bullying verbal or physicall and intimidation and name calling shouldnt be put up with and my advice would be to get out of the situation quick .
i have personal experience of this in life and in a relationship in the past myself.
you have written another very interesting piece sounds like pychology is thing in life and a direction you should be involved as job or social worker.
also no member of your family should make you feel small inadequate or inferior they are supposed to be your family and should respect your feeling and thoughts and wishes to its not nice to feel how you have felt .
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