“Ressurrection, I have to tell you that your speaking today was meant. There was a reason why I was supposed to be here today! You touched me at the core.”
– Anonymous Visitor
Deer in Headlights
My girlfriend was talking to me on the telephone today. As a recap to the day’s events she asked, “Res, do you love your siblings?”
I was a deer in headlights at the stunning revelation that came over me. In my book, Identity Crisis, Identity Christ Is: A Journey to Love which you can download here, I talk about the dysfunctional relationships that exist between my siblings and I. At some point in the book, I identify reasons or theories of why I may not be truly loved by them. The answer to this question will be revealed later in this text. However, I want to take a moment to address the day.
Are you Beautiful?
I was a guest speaker at Beautiful U, Yes U today. The event was held at the Benning Road Library in NE Washington, DC.
When you walked through the library doors, there was a mountain of steps that awaited your bated breath. Thankfully, I didn’t have to walk up them. Sadly, I haven’t worked out in a while, so my efforts may have been met with frequent stops and loud panting, hanging by a rail, literally.
This was my Inaugural teaching on “The Power of Saying No!” There were children as young as 7 in the room, and an 11th grader that was 16! I had to keep the attention of the crowd both youth and parents, and other adult attendees.
I had no clue who anyone was, parent, relationship, media person etc. My daughter introduced me as “A great person” and said a few ummms. We’ll definitely have to prepare her for the next occasion that she is put on the spot.
“The Power of Saying, NO!”
I did not go with a script or an idea of what I was going to say. I was in total and complete expectation that God would show up, and he absolutely did.
There were clear signs of emotional abuse at home as one of the young ladies asked to speak with me privately. She said, “My mom and Grandma tell me I’m ugly. They tell me that I’m nothing and that they will kick me out of the house, and I should sell my body on the street to make money. They take my money when I do hair.”
I was so heartbroken to know that this beautiful young girl literally could not stop herself from crying and when I told her that she was beautiful, you know what she did? She burst into tears. She said so much, and my intentions are not to reveal her or to tell every detail but I do want to expose emotional abuse.
Emotional Abuse has no scars. It is what you say out of your mouth that murders a child. The bible says that we should train up a child in the way that he/she should go and when he is old, he/she will not depart of it. What kind of training are you doing when you call a child a stank pussy bitch?
This child is bullied horribly in school and at home! She is treated differently than the other siblings and there are many assumptions made about this child when in reality, the child is victimized by the parents who are the ones with deep-rooted pain-filled lives.
The Spirit of Murder
In my book, I talk about the “Spirit of Murder”. People must understand that action is the world’s equation of sin, but God says that the sin of everything begins in your mind! Murder is always premeditated, maybe the definitions are different for the laws of this land than Heaven but please understand that you could only talk to someone out of hatred, if you have hate. You would speak love if you possessed love.
Let me explain. In my own family, children are deeply abused. My family hates me in part because they think I think I’m better. Well, just as non-educated as that statement sounds, is just how uneducated my family is about my calling. I don’t think that would change their disdain for me but it may add slight perspective.
You’d have to read my book to learn about some of my family’s abuse for their children. If I must have my daughter near them, I hear about it. Much like me, she will often protect them, and ask my family questions about their abuse or be so angered she’ll call me.
My Emotional Abusers
After years of homelessness, and all that I have endured without the support or care of family, I really want to tell Christians to shut up! I know it seems rude but Christians are often jaded by an unrealistic view of faith and walking in love that in my opinion, they never truly deal with abuse because its hidden behind “the word.”
I do not love…
This Grandmother made a powerful statement tonight. The relative of the child mentioned above. She said, “I’m trying to love her.” That statement is life-altering because she just admitted that she didn’t. People, let me be clear! Love does not hurt! Love can be fabricated in abusive relationships but Love brings Life, Abundance, Joy, and Eternity!
I may lose you right here but I even believe that some people mistake love for character. Stay with me, I’m going to use myself as an example.
In the first sentence, the question was “Res, do you love your siblings?” And without hesitation, I said, “No. I don’t love them in the way that someone should love their sister or brother. I love them in the way that I would love a stranger or a neighbor.”
And I continued, “It is my person, It is my character to help someone out of my love if they were to pass out in front of me. That is who I am. I love them in the sense that if they were in front of me and passed out, I couldn’t leave them in that condition.”
What do you think?
Not only are you taken back right now, but you are trying to figure out how this happened. I forgive their abuse but I have no desire to allow it to continue. The separation, as hard as it was from my family has proven to allow me to be myself in the most healthy aspect of this discovery.
I’m tired of the church, and people walking around pretending to love by ignoring the issues, saying that you’ll take it in prayer, or some other excuse, when the bible clearly says take it to the person. The bible promotes communication. It’s okay to say, “I don’t like to be treated this way.”
It is alright to be honest with yourself and although I would love to have a family that I could love, depend on, be friends with who truly care about the state and well-being of Ressurrection, I don’t have that. And, I don’t have a mother that will require it of her children.
What is LOVE?
There, I said it. When people truly employ “The Power of Saying No!” As I have done, they’ll risk everything emotionally to gain love spiritually. It is my belief that GOD is Love. God is a spirit. This means that love IS a Spirit. It is not a fleeting emotion like happiness. Like Joy, Love is a spiritual experience from Heaven. Love is literally God. This clarity is a way to identify whether you are loved.
The truth is, people lie to themselves and say, “He doesn’t know “how” to love me”. They say, “Why does my mother call me a stupid bitch? I know she loves me.” Uh, would God call you that? We can try to manipulate it to self medicate all we want to but the truth is “Love is what Love does”. I don’t know where I heard that quote. I feel like Forrest Gump said it, and I did not get it, until I just wrote it.
Signs of Abuse
We do stupid things that annoy each other at times, but I’m not going to beat the breaks off of you and say, “I love you”. I’m not going to emotionally abuse you by calling you names that make you hate yourself and call it love.
In light of everything I’ve shared here I want to leave this last impression. The woman told the little girl that she didn’t have any need to come to “Beautiful U, Yes U” because she wasn’t beautiful inside. The fact that at fourteen she has interest in boys makes her a whore. I didn’t say having sex with boys, I said interest.
Are you still reading? Here it is: Because I am under your “training” according to scripture, I am who you make me to be until I’m a woman and have to face all the demons that you have allowed to possess me. If I’m lazy, depressed, not focused, confused, end up in unhealthy relationships, it’s because of what I learned or did not learn from you!
Parenting: Gift or Expense?
Parenting is a gift from God. We use the birthing process as an example for the things that we are believing God for. We talk about the pains, Braxton hicks, and the process before the delivery. We are not parents for eighteen years and then its over. It is not a burden, it is life. I don’t mean that it’s for life, as if it is a sentence in a penitentiary; life as in sustenance, income producing, love incubation, joy within me kind of life.
What you do with your gift from God is your business. No, it’s not! It’s everyone’s business when money has to be spent to feed and clothe your children because you refuse to; self-esteem programs must be birthed because you treat them like they were the ones that hurt you. And money has to be spent on prisons when all of your abuse, through emotional murder, and physical beatings lead them to actually murder and/or destroy their lives in some way.
Love is a spiritual experience available for all to partake. What you say has a root, and takes root in others. Who you murder with your mind, you will murder with your mouth. Ladies and Gentlemen, whether you whether you ever admit this or not, who you murder with your mouth, you will murder with your weapon. Your neglect, bitterness and hatred toward your children or random children is a world problem. They do become citizens, and they do make more babies in which they may refer to your training or be so impacted by the abuse that they are unavailable mentally for the gift of parenting.
If you know you do not love your children or grandchildren or foster children, etc… Know that someone will, but please choose to seek the truth within yourself. It’s not them, it is you. Selah!
Will I love ever again?
Now, last words on loving my siblings. I would love for things to be magically different. I don’t expect it, I’m not counting on it and I’m content without it. I require a certain standard of love for myself.
If ever they become people who can love, I’m sure God will notify me. Remember, Love is a spiritual thing, not to be confused with emotion and logic. I think they have enough children that they can practice on. I’m not the priority and I’m well with that. God will send me love. LOVE will send me LOVE! Now that, I am certain of.
Original Publish Date: August 6, 2011
Met my husband: August 28, 2011
Subscribe to my blog —> www.ressurrection.wordpress.com
Buy the book —-> www.identitycrisisbook.com
- My Letter to My Mother – Overcoming Emotional Abuse (ressurrection.wordpress.com)
- Taking the Stand (ressurrection.wordpress.com)