In Identity Crisis, Identity Christ Is: A Journey to Love, I pen some experiences that I have felt were abusive either emotionally or sexually. Experiences like the ones penned in the book, shape us whether we become more cautious or more susceptible to abusive behaviors that change the pureness of our constitution or not.
In self-examination and discovery this week, I came across a startling truth. With every infatuated relationship experience, I thought that one of the leading privileges of the relationship was that I was able to be myself. Noticing this pattern, I was particularly sensitive to new revelation on the subject.
Instead, this week, God said to me that it had nothing to do with the man, and everything to do with where I have been, with myself in my life when the man showed up.
I can’t fault my ex-fiance for not encouraging me with poetry writing, open mic or authoring books, as he fell in love with the parts of me that I exposed to him; writing was spoken of in past tense and not an intense passion or calling to be recognized. He did not like open mic, poetry and this form of artistic expression. He himself had also not been exposed to it, and was closed to the notion of adding this to the invisible entertainment calendar. It was not something I attracted because it wasn’t something that I made priority for me to pursue or possess at the time.
This revelation came right on time as I found myself again enamored with the idea of someone who has expressed deep thoughtful interest in me, even reading my book and offering feedback along the way. He has requested permission to show up to performances, and enjoys seeing me sing, dance and clap my hands. I’m being a bit sarcastic here but he loves all things Ressurrection.
Here’s what God has shown me though. I love all things Ressurrection. I love the parts of me that are soft and tender; direct and confrontational. I love the lyric, book writing, blog entry on my blackberry at 2:00am writing me. And when I love me as the past, present and future who hasn’t lost possessions but gained wisdom and collected knowledge from all of my gifts, I will attract people around me who bask in all of my elements and call them beautiful as I wear them as warmly as my own skin.
Just as I was thinking, “I love that I can be myself around this guy”, God corrected me and said essentially, “You are not so free to be yourself because of him, you are free to be yourself because you have accepted you.” I almost buckled at the knees. Many times that infatuation can be emphasized with words like “Love”.
I certainly committed to no such sharing but, the whole moment in the
conversation with God was to help me avoid past mental mistakes where I aligned the idea that maybe someone was good for me as a long-term prospect because I could “be myself” around him, when in all truth, it’s not about whether you can be yourself around “him” or “her”, it’s about where you stand within.
At this point in my life, I’ve married my successes with my failures and that freedom has allowed me to look back, reach forward and possess now, with all of the infinite strengths that make me uniquely beautiful.
So today, I encourage you to marry you past, present and future. Take all of who you are, keep the good parts, learn from mistakes, own it and you will attract people who are supportive of all of your facets. It won’t be a reason to love them, but it will confirm that you are loving you.
Written by: Ressurrection Graves
Teachings: “Ten Ways to Safeguard your child from Sexual Abuse”, “The Power of Saying, NO!”, and “Teen Dating Relationships: Violence and Emotional Wellness.”
Author: Identity Crisis, Identity Christ Is: A Journey to Love
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