I have been told that “Jesus was homeless”, and this was supposed to make me feel closer to God or better about my situation. They felt that telling me that would lessen the sting of my reality. Instead I wanted to sting them with a knuckle sandwich!
On the other hand, I’ve had people call me a sinner and insist that my situation is due to something that I’m not doing right. They say that God is not a God of lack. Either way, both teams usually determine that I am not in lack because God is still caring for me and on the throne. I however disagree with them all. He is protecting me. And it could be a lot worse, but I feel bittersweet about it because I could also be doing a lot better.
I want to put them in a mud wrestling match and watch them argue their points. At least in my mind that is how stupid the debates are. They’ll have flying scriptures, and slap each other with inked stamp verses of the bible.
Now that I’ve simply stopped listening to people, ignoring correspondence and down right getting upset over ridiculous claims about my circumstances’ origin, I am in a place where only God can speak to me and I have to tell you this feels sunrise with dew atop green grass and leaves good.
I’ll tell you one thing he said last night, as I am not at liberty to share all. It is true what God says through the mouths of many. In this case the majority, the confirmations, rule. God has said this very thing through the mouths of people who meet me seasonally, and those who have been around; none of them knowing the other. God told me that being in this homeless shelter is a part of my calling.
As angry and as human as my mouth has been in the last five days, I’m questioning whether I’m qualified. But he’s not, and that’s the cool thing. I’m going through the process. The dream that I had at seven years old, that has reappeared at different points in my life has become a movie playing vision.
You know how you dream things that you can’t remember? Well, I dream things, and the dream reveals what God wants me to know. When God is done with the mystery of the dream, I’ll remember it, and it’ll play like a movie, as it did when I was asleep dreaming. Its like I’m hypnotized. He’s always been like that with me. Don’t know why or what it means, its just how he communicates with me often.
Many of my dreams are not necessarily literal, but this dream he told me is the dream about my life, what my life is supposed to look like. That being said, he told me that the population he is calling me to is what I am among. Aren’t I the one always saying that I don’t understand how people are able to have degrees and work in a field diagnosing people when they have never been in the situation, like homelessness? I would never be an addiction counselor, but I would offer counseling to addicts. 80 percent of people addicted to drugs or alcohol have been sexually abused! I can speak about the root, but I can’t speak from experience about the addiction itself. I know my lane.
God wasn’t chastising me, he was teaching me. These are lessons; preparation. I love it when he does that! It was totally unexpected and he showed up in the shower. I keep telling people, there is something about running water!
Have I made some mistakes, absolutely! But, according to God, the moment and experience that I am in right now is about observation; being the case study, and seeing from this side.
I told God that I had to have learned all that I could possibly learn. “Enough is enough!”, I’ve said. I have a feeling that when I open the facility that he has called me too, I will be pointing out people saying, “Oh, so that is why I went through that!”
You know how God is treating me right now? He’s treating me like I treated my daughter when I taught her how to ride a bike. At some point, I had to let go. And on purpose I let go too soon, just so that she could know what it felt like to lose control a little. If she never knew what that felt like she’d never be able to respond quickly enough in danger. I’m not saying God is testing me. I’m saying he’s trying to take the training wheels off, at the level that he wants me to operate in.
As I watch closely I see his pattern of communication with me. It hasn’t changed, it has become a little more sophisticated to understand. I’ll grow, I’ll get this, and he’ll be proud of me, I’m sure.
In the mean time, the answer is yes, being homeless is a part of my calling. I’m not called to be homeless but I am called to serve the population that I am around, and let’s just say he wants me to have hands on experience. Does it make me feel good? No! And it doesn’t give everyone a pass that could’ve helped me. He sees that too.
But it does mean something. He’s God! And all of the experiences, even the mistreatment is full of stories and lessons. To be continued…..
Buy the book: www.identitycrisisbook.com
Child Sexual Abuse and the Church:
- Writing Until it Reigns (ressurrection.wordpress.com)
- One year blogging- what’s next? (ressurrection.wordpress.com)
- My Letter to my Younger Self (ressurrection.wordpress.com)
- Taking the Stand (ressurrection.wordpress.com)
- Will the church stand up to support members with mental illness and those who have suffered sexual abuse? (ressurrection.wordpress.com)
- New Year’s Love Resolution (ressurrection.wordpress.com)
- Did Tyler Perry pressure the victim from Penn State to testify in his Open Letter? (ressurrection.wordpress.com)
- What I’ve Learned This Year I (ressurrection.wordpress.com)
- Who are Child Sexual Abuse Predators? (ressurrection.wordpress.com)