Black Christian Single Women: Can you be yourself and find the right man?

I was reading Madam Noir’s “Husband Hunting? 10 Traits To Look For In A Spouse” and another article about how to know if a woman is ready for a relationship.

As a joke, I asked my man if I could read the answers to see if what Madam Noir said was true in her articles.

As we laughed, we also began a very serious conversation about what “people” do as opposed to isolating men and women. From what I can tell, the articles she wrote could be gender neutral.

Most articles written about relationships are done by women. I hope that I can help you since I intend to weave some of the thoughts and intuition of my man, my love into this sharing.

Today is Dream Girls marathon! I have watched all of the action-packed, weird sociopathic, crazy Alien vs. Earth movies that I can take for three weeks! We’ve run out of movies except, you guessed it, Dream Girls! He’s into it too. He’s about as surprised about Dream Girls as I am about Avatar. And, I started thinking about the strength and stubbornness of Effe, played by Jennifer Hudson.

What we hear as black christian women in church

I was talking to my sweetie about the fact that much of what I, as a black woman who is a christian learn about dating and relationships come from church. I have such admiration for many pastors but there are some patterns that I’ve observed that make me challenge some of the teaching.

If it is not bible based, it is opinion. We have to know what the pastors are saying by the spirit and by the opinion of their flesh.

My pastor said one day that all single women should dress up more and look a “certain way” to attract the men in the churches attention.

He went on to describe how women who were dressing with the shorter skirts and heels were being recognized.

He has also told us single women that we should keep our hair done, promoting weave and perms as necessary. He’s made fun of nappy hair before.

Two other things he mentioned was not dressing like a “Tom-boy“, and losing weight.

Hearing this from someone that is considered your spiritual father can be discouraging to some. It may make them feel that there is something wrong with them and add excuse to injury as to why they have not found a mate.

I’ve never liked the idea of dating in church, but for those who do, hearing things across the pulpit that you don’t identify with could also make you feel like the men will be influenced by the pastor.

I am not saying that the pastor has done or said anything on purpose that would hurt their congregation, but sometimes, people in leadership say things that they do not realize people take to heart.

Men have given their opinions for years, so let me give you a tip about staying true to yourself:


If you’re an athlete, or “Tom boy”, you are no less a woman. There are many men who think “Tom boys” are sexy! Likewise, there are men who prefer a woman who is full-figured! Be you! Be completely who you are and allow a man to find you who is attracted to your physical attributes and your figure in whatever you’re wearing.

Be careful about entertaining the men who are lustful over you, as it may support your own personal self-esteem. Rather, make sure that you are attracting someone who finds you totally beautiful- the parts of you that are imperfect and the parts of you that he finds brilliant.

Are you putting in work?

My sweetie asks, “Are you being true to yourself and being realistic about finding the right person?” I’m going to expound upon his question this way:

Are you spending so much time with your spiritual self that you are asking for this supernatural being that you have created in your mind? Are you so into your word, studying, and spiritual life that you are unrelatable to the people around you? Have you forgotten how to build basic friend relationships? For years, I was so confused about how I’m supposed to date without sin. And, how to choose a mate.

My sweetie says, “Faith without works is dead.” He continues, that even in the bible days they tilled the land, fed the sheep and tended to cattle.

My sweetie says, “You cannot stay at home in your word, be unrealistic, anti-social and expect for someone to fall in your lap or knock on your door.”

He says, “You have to put in work!” He referenced Nikki Minaj and Drake, “To live doesn’t mean you’re alive.”

From a true man, this is so much to take in. As a Christian, black woman I have struggled for many years with liberating myself from the shackles of the opinions associated with Christian Life. I haven’t lived very much- and when I escaped, and I found wings, I met my Angel, my Sweetie!

BE. Extraordinary,


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My Letter to my Younger Self

About Ressurrection

Ressurrection Graves is a Child Sexual Abuse Grooming Expert and H.E.A.L.E.R. (Healer, Educator, Activist, Life Skills Expert, Empowerment Speaker, Relationship Mentor) Her website reaches readership in 188 countries. She is available for national speaking engagements, radio and television interviews. She can be reached at: 202.717.7377 or send your request to: ressurrection dot wordpress at yahoo dot com or comment on
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4 Responses to Black Christian Single Women: Can you be yourself and find the right man?

  1. Pingback: Are you paying love attention in the right place? | The Official BLOG site of Ressurrection Graves

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