The Problem with No Sex Before Marriage


There are many people who are clicking on this link with the presumption that they know what I’m going to say- or who disagree that you should wait to be married before you know “the package”.

I have been panting in wait with baited breathe for this person that I believe to be “the one”. There are varying opinions about the one- when they arrive, and if they can be replaced with “the one, number two” as I’ll call him/her.

I believe there is a “one” you see- the one who makes the best parts of me come out, in the worst moments, who has seen who I am and still looks at me deeply, connecting to every part of my being through my eyes.

So, the problem with no sex before marriage is that when you have actually found the one, you want to be untied by boundaries, completely invested- naked even. There is a way that you feel connected out of the sheets, but there is absolutely a way to connect between them. You know what I’m talking about. I don’t flirt- but even I know when to turn “it” on!

No, I don’t I’m lying- I have to be compelled to do whatever I do. This means, I’m moved by the energy of the space- the unspoken words that caress a room tenderly.

The Problem with No Sex Before Marriage is- well, No Sex Before Marriage!

In the Christian tradition, no sex before marriage symbolizes purity, holiness and virginity- (only if applicable). It is also believed that if you’ve been sexually active and decide to be celibate at any point, that you can reclaim your virtue- although technically you will not be a virgin- you will be perceived as brand new; born again from the wound literally!

This subject has been an avenue for debate, debacle, and flat out torture for Christians who love God and have a sex drive anywhere close to yours truly; healthy appetite never hurt nobody.

The problem you see, is that it is easy to be celibate when you don’t have a man. Wait- that came out completely wrong. In fact, if I had allowed that statement to entertain you, it would have been a bold-faced lie!

It is easier, once you have renewed your mind and relationship with God; making celibacy a choice- while there is no man.

But, what in the Jimmy hat are you supposed to do when that special someone comes along, and treats you the way that you should be treated? I mean let’s be honest- a man, a real man who loves you and shows it in his actions is about as sexy as Michael Jordan with his tongue out- about to completely dismantle an entire basketball organization- in an away game; on their stomping grounds!

Tell me how can you contain your love for someone? I thought making love was supposed to be an action that expresses the intimacy that you feel toward your mate.

On the other hand, there are unique benefits to not having sex before marriage.

1. There are no immature emotions to be hidden- who you are is out on the table for yourself and for the other person’s review without clouded vision.

2. You may develop some kind of tie to one another depending on how long you date, however the sexual tie; exchange of bodily and spiritual chemistry remains untainted.

3. For me personally, I feel like I am right with God- I’m able to go to him in prayer without conviction. In fact, recently, I made even more peace with my past and wrote: My Letter to my Younger Self

4. Bringing sex, kids, or family into the relationship can happen too soon. By taking your time and observing the person in different situations you will not have to look for red flags, they will raise themselves. When you bring sex, kids, or family into the mix too soon, you may put pressure on yourself to compromise your standards, and stay in a dissatisfying relationship when he/she is in fact not the one and you should run for the Mexican Border!

My Love

In my personal time with God, I recited a list of things, and God told me to give him my non-negotiables. Sometimes we write what we mean, and then go back and add on. He didn’t want what I had to think about and ponder over. He wanted my heart!
Quick Example: I wanted a man who could rock a three piece suit – a five piece suit even with the ascot. But, I don’t generally like the Corporate professional. I may be physically attracted but I have found a pattern that makes us not compatible. So why did I describe my “one” with some of the qualities that may not work for me? God showed me this issue and I reworded what I meant. Lord I want a man with Swag, great communication and conversation (vocabulary) who can rock a suit or some Timbs/Nike Boots and a Wife-beater. I like a man that will get his hands dirty- and clean them!

It’s just an example but it shows that sometimes we aren’t being specific when, God is very specific! I gave it to God, and I asked him to show me very specific things (that I feel God inspired me to ask for anyway), and then this guy shows up in the last place I was looking to meet someone. He saw me, in spite of what he could have thought about me, he really saw me. And, that is what made the difference.

Over time, my love doesn’t know this but those very distinct things that were mentioned to God (as signs to know the one has arrived), began to be revealed.

You know where I’m going with this, right? I want to reward him for being my light bearer. I want to have a connection with him that is indeed irreplaceable. I want to unleash my inner Lioness, let my mane down to sway against his face like water thrusts against rocks.

The Sign(s)

The biggest sign of all came about a week after we begin talking on the phone. He said, “I need to tell you something.” I said, “Okay.” I knew what it was- but honestly I took it as a joke before he begin speaking. With great conviction he said, “I’m not having sex before marriage.” I said to myself, “Oh Lord- he is the one.”

You see, in that private time with God, I told him that I wasn’t going to force a man to be celibate with me- that he had to have his own desire and convictions. I refuse to try to coerce or change a man, it’s exhausting! And I said, “God if you don’t want me to have sex before marriage- send me the one; a man who will not want to by his own merit, who will apply his own strength. I don’t want to be the strong one anymore- or to be taken insincerely.

He hasn’t left my side, and he was not playing. There has been no foul play and he’s even had to check me on occasion.

The Five Love Languages

I mean, give me a break! I am a Nationally Certified, and State(s) Licensed Massage Therapist! I’m not practicing at the moment but I see naked people for a living!

I am very much comfortable with energy, touch, and intimacy- I kind of crave it. I see past the skin; exterior.

In the Five Love Languages, a book that is about as popular as the bible, Gary Chapman explains that your love languages are not how you love others but how you receive love from others.

Of course, great marketing allowed him to create seventy different versions (clear exaggeration), but I read the original book, and took the test.

My List is as follows:

Tied for #1 is Quality Time and Physical Touch

We can stop right there! Do you see my problem now- The Problem with No Sex until Marriage?

I am starving over here. However, we have found ways to work through our desires, of course it has brought us closer together.

You can do it!

I don’t know if I can but I believe I’m supposed to motivate the lover in you to hold out for the “I DO!”

I personally have been lied to so much, told that I’m loved so much- and no action or evidence to prove it, that this relationship is like latter rain. It feels like the break of day, a dawn of a horizon never before captured. I’m forgetting the things behind me, literally!

I want to encourage you but honestly, I’m going to quote you some scriptures you don’t want to hear. I will say that the intensity of his love for me is breathtaking.

“My Love” is not wavering in his choice. We speak openly about everything, and his strength makes me want to be more committed. I have never felt more respected, honored, and whole in all my dating life.

The problem with No Sex Before Marriage is…

You are taking a huge risk; leaping in faith to have a relationship that you don’t absolutely know is going to lead to marriage.

My chances are pretty awesome right now but, I will allow that wall to be shattered with the rock he buys to secure our commitment.

And honestly, when the one comes- if he doesn’t have three carat money, it won’t matter, as he can always upgrade. The way he loves you doesn’t need to be on full display. The way “My Love” loves me is so indescribable that I would rather keep it all to myself.

Quick Tips:

1. You may have certain things you want in a man, but understand that you don’t even have all that you want in yourself! You keep saying what he has to be for you to accept him, but he isn’t going to come as President. He may come as a student! He may have a business, and you be the favor that catapults his business, idea etc…

I have to be careful of what I say to women because sometimes we create our own world around our future and cut and paste the dude in. This is the first relationship that I didn’t have to “imagine” things with. When you are using your imagination it is often because something key is missing!

2. If he doesn’t have money but he’s the one, God’s favor will give you all the wisdom, creativity and team work to “make the dream work”. He may not tell you his visions and dreams right away- red flag however if he’s never thought about that question, or doesn’t have a clue! He should know himself enough to at least identify his passion(s).

3. There are religious or spiritual reasons to abstain from sex. My love will explain that while he did have spiritual reasons, he was plain tired of attracting the wrong women. He made a personal commitment and he was blessed with, me!

The Problem with No Sex Before Marriage is…

Most people will read this article and still see no benefit in waiting. It is a great way to see who you are with that person, and who they are with you!

Last Story…

If you go back and read my blogs- I’ve been pretty emotional lately. I have been confronting some painful things in my past that I didn’t know were triggered.

Two things:

1. I realized that in every other serious relationship I have ever been in, I meet death, fear, anxiety, or any other challenge with a extraordinary dose of sex. I release and I’m relieved. I can work through whatever the issue was better on a post exercised state of consciousness.

However, with the campaign against child sexual abuse, dealing with all of the emotions that have surfaced about my family, and compassion for others’ stories, I broke down. I was not allowed to disconnect my emotions or thoughts and replace them.

If he’s considering marrying me, he needed to see that. And I needed to see his response. When your option to communicate through sex is separated from intimacy, you develop an intimate foundation that cannot be shaken, before marriage! Or, you realize that the person is indeed not the one.

2. The second thing I want to leave with you is that your abstinence is not a punishment. For the unrenewed mind, it may feel that way. Heck for the renewed mind, your body can still feel-that-way. Abstinence is your way of cleaning house quick. Find out who you’re truly dating without compromising other things like your time and energy. The sex policy can keep you from expressing emotions of fear and desperation too.

The Problem with No Sex before Marriage is, that this process requires a level of maturity that the majority would prefer to rule out. You will discover things not only about your partner but you! Just like forgiveness is for you, so is No Sex Before Marriage!

I put my daughter through an I’m Worth Waiting For class at a church. There is a whole Worth the Wait Revolution created around sexual purity and the idea that the guy should wait until you get married, as if you have it altogether!

The truth is however, what is more important is that you recognize that you want someone who’s worth waiting for too. You want to admit to yourself whether you’re projecting your argument because you don’t want to wait. And you have to reconcile between you and God what your truth is, so that he can give you his.


You will NOT be able to do this until you’re ready, and God steps in. Some of you won’t get married because you refuse to be single. And some of you will be single because you have brainwashed yourself into the idea that some GOD kind of a man will come, and be what you aren’t able to be to yourself or him! Have your standards and non-negotiables but be open and flexible. Remember that you become one spiritually however you are still two individual people. What you find will change you forever- in love!

All I’m saying is … The Problem with No Sex Before Marriage is that he waits for you- but you wait too!

Now,how do you like them panties?

Ressurrection Graves is professional author and speaker. You can keep up with her on her blog. ——->



About Ressurrection

Ressurrection Graves is a Child Sexual Abuse Grooming Expert and H.E.A.L.E.R. (Healer, Educator, Activist, Life Skills Expert, Empowerment Speaker, Relationship Mentor) Her website reaches readership in 188 countries. She is available for national speaking engagements, radio and television interviews. She can be reached at: 202.717.7377 or send your request to: ressurrection dot wordpress at yahoo dot com or comment on
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11 Responses to The Problem with No Sex Before Marriage

  1. Pingback: Cast Your Vote: Twelve of Our Favorite Blogs for Your Review | The Official BLOG site of Ressurrection Graves

  2. Steven Green says:

    Because I love Jesus and fear God, I decided to be chaste and submit to God’s will. I lost many girlfriends because I would submit to God instead of to them and their will. After six years of frustration I took it to Him in prayer and said that if He wants me to find a mate to marry and love forever I would be happy, but if He thought that it was better for me to stay single and live all my days in chaste celibacy, then I would accept that, because I love and trust Jesus with all things. About five weeks after that prayer, which I repeated to Him whenever I felt the need, I met the woman who was created to be my partner in life and my mate forever. We have been close for five months and I quickly knew that I wanted to marry her. (Within the first month). We are planning our marriage and practicing chastity. Always trying to be right with God. We also study the Bible and go to church together every Sunday. She is all that I ever wanted. We both have high sex drives but our love for Jesus gives us a desire to wait until after our wedding. We know that we will continue to be Blessed for our decision to submit to the Will of God.

    • I am so excited to hear that. Blessings to you both. My husband-to-be is the best thing that has ever happened to me. 🙂 I am equally excited to marry him and we will next year. Bless you, Res

  3. Pingback: Five Myths That Keep Women Single | Love, Life, and Relationships: Overcoming Emotional and Child Sexual Abuse

  4. Lynne Steed says:

    Hello ,
    Wow! I have been Praying for Signs…
    And Now Your Article…
    Do you ever talk to people over the Phone?
    I would be interested in Talking with you!!!”
    God Bless You for writing this Article.
    Thank You,

    Lynne Steed

  5. Pingback: Life After Herpes: Implementing Steve Harvey’s 90-Day Dating Sex Rule, Shirley Strawberry of The Strawberry Letter and Accepting STD Diagnosis | Love, Life, and Relationships: Overcoming Emotional and Child Sexual Abuse

  6. Pingback: The Rules of Engagement: The Biblical Truth About Dating, and Marriage | Love, Life, and Relationships: Overcoming Emotional and Child Sexual Abuse

  7. shekh rabbani says:

    Some people does’n know, what means love & what means sex. Before marriage they misuse there love by sex. I expect. they understand when they will read this article.

  8. michel says:

    this article has been an eye opener to me, if itsnt asking for to much can i also talk to you via email, pls

  9. Craig says:

    Hi , by the looks of it you don’t respond to comments but I’m gonna go anyway. Prior to two years ago I smoked weed alot and it messed up my head (I’m not going to go into detail). Long story short I now ‘suffer’ from chronic hypothetical worrying. Reading your article was very insightful but it has angered me a little because of what is to follow; How am I to know that if I don’t lose my virginity soon then I’ll never lose it? I am a 20 year old man. I’ve never had a girlfriend and the only two times I’ve got close to girls is with girls that were easy. I want to believe that believing in ‘no sex before marriage’ would bring me to “the one” but it isn’t definite and I would have less chance of her falling for me than if I wasn’t a virgin. I fear that if I don’t start having sex soon then it will never happen. When I was 16 I told myself “This year is the year I get a girlfriend” but it didn’t happen. I’ve told myself the same thing every year since then and I’m still alone. I could go out and get girls and have sex with them easily because I’m a handsome guy and this would build my confidence with women and would lead to me being able to get a girlfriend more easily. My experience with waiting for “the one” has only resulted in me being alone and I don’t want that for the rest of my life. I want to have children in the future. So in summary, I have two options: Become ‘impure’ and ensure having sexual partners or stay ‘pure’ and face a good chance of remaining celibate for the rest of my existence. What would your advice be?

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