I’ve written My Letter to my Younger Self, and immediately I thought of some other blogs I will write like it.
It wasn’t until an encounter with my mother the other day, right before the New Year that I sought a way to honor my mother but, maintain my healing and repel the emotional abuse that I continue to receive from her.
So, without further ado, My Letter to My Mother.
For years I’ve waited for you to stand up and lead your family. I am in thankful absence of my father but I struggle with my relationship with you. I love you and I would beat up Ninjas, travel across the world, take out a clergyman, and turn water into wine if it would keep you safe.
I have tried to communicate with you to share how you carry the tradition of emotional abuse in this family however you do not seem to get it, you don’t understand.
The other day, you asked me to be the “bigger person” and to reach out to a family member that you have acknowledged has deliberately treated me wrongful.
I thought it to be a miracle that you would admit in the last two years, how I’ve been mistreated by family members. And, I have appreciated your love and support in my decision to focus on self-love separating myself from family members that cause me to be re-traumatized.
You continue however to try to control me, and manipulate me, asking me to do things that you do not pressure your other children to do. You claim that I’m mature, and able to be the “bigger person” but I feel that you are re-engaging me in victim blaming.
It is emotionally abusive to ask me to do something, only asking because you want to benefit from the thing you’re asking me to do, and when I use the power I have to say NO, you began degrading me claiming, “You’re not healed. You think you’re healed but you aren’t healed.” You continue with a condescending tone, “You need to be delivered, something is wrong with you.”
You say other things too. You may not curse me out but that would be verbal abuse. What you do is minimize my feelings, do not accept my choices, and put pressure on me to do what you would not do yourself, and what you have not required your other children to do either.
The constant emotional abuse with various situations drives me further away from trusting you with my heart. More than fifteen years ago, I divorced you. I emancipated myself because I knew that something about our relationship was off and the judge agreed. I want a healthy relationship. I want to be able to spend time with you without talking about how I need to do something that satisfies you.
I have not made this a New Year’s resolution. I always looked at what I’ve learned in the year before my birthday is over. And I look at what should be removed.
Without a doubt what I was inspired to do was remove myself from your attempts to control me. You put so much pressure on me that in the past I’ve made poor decisions, and more recently my health is affected.
I want you proud of me, but not at the expense of who I am called to be. I have no regrets about eliminating relationships that are emotionally abusive from family members. I also will have no regrets about telling you that whether you comprehend it or not, your constant spirit of control, pressure and emotional abuse may not end, but it will end our relationship.
I will always honor and love you.
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