Dae’Jah Cymone, our teen contributor presented me with questions that she thought would be beneficial to answer as blogs, for teenagers that are struggling to make the right decisions. The title of today’s blog is interesting so let’s get to it.
It was third grade, and the slap heard around the world. A little boy, who I don’t remember gave me a ring- a real diamond ring to put on my hand as a gesture of admiration and love. I knew that the ring was real, real expensive and I asked where he got it from. He said, “My mom.”
And I said, “She did not give you her diamond ring to give to me.” Even in my young mind I could not imagine a woman giving a little girl a diamond ring because her son asked her too. So, he said, “I took it from my mom’s jewelry box.”
I was insulted! How dare he steal a diamond ring from his mother and offer it to me? I don’t know if I was insulted because it was unoriginal or because I thought that I would get into trouble and that it would be assumed that I stole it.
I put the ring on, despite my concerns and of course, I was stopped by school faculty. The ring was clearly an elephant in the middle of a parking lot. The ring was taken from me, and I slapped him like we were adults and he had given me the ring of another woman he was seeing on the side.
Most certainly it was no proud moment for any of us. It is cute however to think that someone had that much affection for me that they would risk life and limb to give me something special. Needless to say, his mother came to get her ring within a matter of hours, during school.
What do they really want?
As we become teenagers the spirit of giving often comes with conditions. There are teenage boys and girls trying to figure out how to relate to one another. They have insecurities that are understandable because they don’t know who they are yet.
Teenagers are under tremendous pressure to stand above the crowd as a leader or be among the crowd with others who may be leading you to the desert instead of the water to drink.
If your boyfriend is buying you gifts because he is trying to impress you, or to show his love that is fine. The danger in accepting gifts that your parents do not know about is that it may become too frequent. You may wonder why a gift from your boyfriend would be perceived as too frequent.
Well, teenagers are all territorial. They fight with siblings over the telephone, food and electronics. In the mind of a teenager, like a two year old, they are often consumed with their own time schedules, and begin to make decisions about what extracurricular activities they want to be involved in.
Not always, but many times if a boyfriend puts all of his attention on his girlfriend, buys her things but has no job, you can become the object or center of his control. Let me explain further, if when you break up, he would ask for anything that he bought you back- it is a sign that he did not really see these items as a gift. He wanted something from you. It may be sex, companionship, the right to tell everyone that you belong to him; there are a host of reasons why guys are territorial.
Clothes are a symbol of marking his territory as well. He may buy you clothes to make you look like a tom-boy or he could want you to be his model. Either way his insecurity is often the motivation for his purchases, and not love.
Again, there is nothing wrong with a gift here, and a gift there but if you are dating someone who asks his parents for money to buy you things, who shows other subtle signs of being controlling, you should know that it is unhealthy for you to continue to receive his gifts as he could try to make you feel bad for accepting them or ask for them back when he’s angry. It forms an emotional attachment, and can often be a center of conversation among break-ups.
How do you ask him to stop buying you gifts?
Here are a few suggestions:
- Tell him that you really appreciate his gifts and thoughtfulness but that you want to concentrate on getting to know each other a little better.
- Tell him that you are open to receiving gifts from him on occasion but not all of the time. Explain that you do not want your relationship defined by things. Reassure him that you’re not focused on what he can buy you, but what type of person he is.
- Tell him that your parents have cautioned you to limit your gift receiving until they have met your boyfriend and approved of the relationship. He may not take this one well but if he is a good dude, and not controlling he shouldn’t have any problem with this.
To Teenage Girls…
Young Ladies, one reason why this blog is important is so that you can recognize the signs of a teenage boy wanting to control you but there is one thing that I did not mention or elaborate on in this blog, you! As a teenage girl, I understand that you are attracted to boys your age but I want you to have a clear understanding of your value and your power.
You are beautiful, and a boys gifts are not signs that you are important, or valuable. They are symbols, actions that show love and admiration that can sometimes be distorted by false intentions known or not. My charge to you as a young woman is to look at the type of boy that you are attracting and why.
In follow up blogs, I’ll give tips and hints to you, to help you in your relationships. Some of them will be about them, and much of them will be about you.
Come on say it with me, “I Have The Power To Say NO!”
- Teen Blog Contributor: Words of Wisdom from a Teenage Perspective (ressurrection.wordpress.com)
- Why you should put education before your boyfriend (ressurrection.wordpress.com)
- On losing things and diamond rings (steinermp.wordpress.com)