I don’t want to lose weight. Okay, if there was a fairy that appeared out of thin air and offered me someone else’s body, I would not take it. If instead I was offered my own body with some parts (fat- not actual parts) removed, I would say yes. But as for me, Ressurrection starving myself to death, being completely unhappily focused on every inch, and pound that I lose- it just doesn’t turn me on. In fact, I’m disgusted thinking about it, and I want an Oreo STAT!
My sister told me years ago, that you never ever, under any circumstances have a conversation with a man about how you feel about your weight because he could use it to verbally assault you in the heat of an argument. I have always heard those words in the back of my head, and have remained particularly conscious of this advice, until tonight.
What in the free willy was I thinking. My deepest, innermost convictions came out in a random conversation between myself and my man tonight. He is undoubtedly the most amazing man that I have ever had but that is not the point. Who told me to go rambling stuff that is supposed to be girl code? Apparently, I am supposed to only tell my girlfriends things about my weight.
Here is the truth. I am sexy. I love myself deeply. I love God and I love me. I know what love is because of years of developing my relationship with God spiritually. I have never been a jealous woman. And, talking about weight is more annoying than anything else. It really does irritate me when friends constantly talk about the negative aspects of their bodies. We all have flaws. We are all perfectly imperfect. We are all beautiful in some way whether your face is not all that pretty but you have a bad body, or the other way around. For some people, their character and personality is outstanding. Everyone has something about them that God could not do without. That has always been my philosophy and the obsession with your body is unhealthy.
However, there are times that although I do love myself, I wish I could snap my fingers and lose inches in certain places. I don’t think this is weird or something that others don’t feel at times. I have slim women tell me that I’m beautiful and that they wish that they could gain weight but their metabolism won’t allow it. I want you to know that you are beautiful just the way that you are, and your workout plan should not be put in place to substitute how you love yourself, it should be an expression of it, but not a definition.
What Working Out Means to Me
The last few years, I have put on additional weight. Years ago, I put on forty pounds in a twelve month period. I remember that year being emotionally difficult for me. Now, since my memoir came out Identity Crisis, Identity Christ Is: A Journey to Love, I am facing parts of myself that I may not have fully faced before.
When I was talking to my man tonight, who is a former military soldier, who loves to work out and often reminisces about his brawn and agility, there were a flood of revelations that hit me.
I don’t want to lose weight because:
- I associate it with people who are insecure
- I associate it with judgment
- I think of it as a reward
- I associate my chocolate addiction with something positive in my childhood
I am not insecure. Members of my family that I gain confidence from have never shown up as insecure to me. My mother is not nor has she ever been a jealous person. She had no negative self image (regardless of her weight) so I never developed one. If she did have insecurity, she certainly did not share it. My brother and her used to look in the bathroom mirror at themselves when people (like me) would walk by and say, “You know it just don’t make no sense for me to be this fine.” And, we would all laugh.
I even thought during very isolated moments in my life that I was not attractive. During those moments, I realize that they weren’t feelings that I have of myself, they were projected on me by someone around me who was insecure. The exception is my mother. She would never tell me that I was pretty so, I didn’t think that she thought I was. I got enough attention from those around me, who said it on the street to know that people find beauty in their own way.
The reason I said that I associate weight loss with insecure people is because my friends, and associates who have said that I need to lose weight are often overly obsessed with their own flaws. To me, my flaws make me Ressurrection. There are some days that I appreciate them less than others but when friends look at me as if there is something wrong with me, and then I see the way they treat themselves and their bodies with such disappointment, it does not motivate me.
While I was homeless, I stayed with a cute couple who were very fit and kept themselves toned and tight. This practice was a part of their marital commitment to each other. I thought it was adorable. It even inspired me to want to work out but, I felt that they became overly concerned about my weight. My weight bothered them more than it did me. Honestly, I like being thick. And, there are men who like me because I am thick, and they do not prefer a skinny woman. “I like a long-haired thick red bone” says Lil’ Wayne in one of his song lyrics. I can not lie I love that song for that particular line because he’s shouting me out.
But, living with the woman in particular I did not feel very beautiful at all. I became more critical of myself than I ever am. I did not want to be around her unless I had make up on. I hate wearing make up outside of a photo shoot. I was questioning whether I was attractive, and desirable because I accepted what was projected onto me. I did not feel like I was “good enough” around her, whatever that means. I knew that she felt that I was a bad mother because I could not financially support my child at the time, and quite frankly it sent me into a state of depression which oddly enough made me go start working out- to free my mind.
I give this example because people don’t realize how they come off to others. Sometimes you can have well meaning intentions to tell someone that you consider to be overweight that they need to slim down, but what if they are healthy and whole where they are? Why is there an assumption that something is wrong with the person because they are overweight?
You can say you want me to lose weight for health reasons, but you really want me to lose weight for your visual enjoyment. Again, we are all beautiful, and not everyone is going to find us attractive.
WORKING OUT IS A REWARD
In my mind, I have to do something right first. I have to get my financial house in order to a point where I can reward myself with free time working out. To me, working out is something that is extracurricular and something that I have not earned yet.
Now, the exception to that has been when I felt that I was emotionally empty or in a depressed state and I wanted to be active about taking control of my situation to heal and remain positive. In the last few years it happened twice. When my relationship ended back in 2008, I jumped on a plane and went to Vegas for one week. I came back and started working out. It was necessary for me to work out to deal with the break up. I lost forty pounds. I was still heart broken but I was able to break through some difficulty with the painful situation. Now that I think about it however, It was still a reward. He wasn’t the one, and working out was a reward for realizing that, and not staying around for his tom foolery.
IF WORKING OUT IS A REWARD, FAT IS PUNISHMENT?
I was reading a few blogs by Darlene Ouimet. In particular, Negative Belief Symptoms about Weight and Body Part Two was on my Android radar. She said something that struck me as odd. She said she desired other women to be fat, because she saw fat, as a punishment. She has a bit of a different struggle than I, and I could not relate to many of the things that she shared in her blogs, but when she said that, I wondered if there was a coorrelation between me thinking of working out as a reward and fat as punishment.
I am known to be a person of her word. I am known to put my mind to something and get it done, period. I am straight forward and my Yea is Yea and my No is No. With that said, I don’t personally feel like I’ve committed to working out because I know how much I want to lose, and what I want to look like. I don’t feel like I have that kind of time to prioritize working out into my schedule. To me, making sure that I have food on the table and that we have shelter is more important. Am I punishing myself?
If I can leave anything with you today I will say that it is important that you have a healthy self-image. It is equally important that you don’t judge someone else’s self-image by your own image of them. Oprah and Luther are the butt of too many fat and small jokes in my opinion. You see what happened with Oprah though. She became tired of people pleasing. And she looks beautiful in the size that she is now. I am sure that I would look much different if I was one hundred pounds lighter but I doubt that I will stick to any workout regime unless my focus is a healthy mind.
I eat well. I love chocolate, and I’ll never give that up. Working out is something that for some reason I can not convince myself to do before achieving a certain level of economic health at home.
CHOCOLATE DAY DREAMS
I had a revelation a while back about my chocolate addiction. You can read about it by clicking HERE.
PSA: Never look at another person and gauge your beauty by theirs. Remember that God made you unique, and that he allowed you to come to this earth because he can not do without you. He loves you just the way that you are, and those who are true friends, and family do as well.
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- The Heart of the Matter: My Letter to a Battered Woman (ressurrection.wordpress.com)
- Black Christian Single Women: Can you be yourself and find the right man? (ressurrection.wordpress.com)
- Slurpees, Bait, Wifey and Other Names that Boys call Girls! (ressurrection.wordpress.com)