“When People Show You Who They Are, Believe Them!” – Dr. Maya Angelou
Are single women too picky? Let me save you the suspense, the answer is YES! As a woman for more than thirty years, I do get to make the blanket statement that at some point in our lives we are so moved by our own imaginations that we become doused with dreams of God coming in the flesh and being our mate. Instead we should be (if this is even on your list), awaiting a God-ly man. A man who presents himself as one made in the image of God but that would be too much like right, wouldn’t it ladies?
I know of many church women who are saving themselves for marriage. They are proud and even boastful about their three-year, five-year, seven-year, and eleven-year itches where they just can not seem to understand why GOD has not sent them the man of their dreams. You know the one, the one that God has made just for them.
I have a secret. I was always scared of these women. As soon as they would start talking about how long they have been waiting and believing God I would start talking to God myself saying, “What are they doing wrong?” It doesn’t take that long to find the one. God would not torture me like that. I wanted to know the secrets. “Tell me Lord, What do I have to do? Where is he?”
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I even remember my pastor talking to me one day and asking me what I wanted. I told him and he responded funny as usual but his observation made me want to dig deeper into myself and figure out what in the world I was really looking for. He said, “If you get all of that you’ll make him your God.” He said, some other things along with that statement but that one kind of jolted me. I became figgety in my seat. I wanted, I needed more explanation.
I was day dreaming of a man who was perfect. He would be advanced in his knowledge of the word of God, be in full application and practice of spiritual gifts. He could turn me out in bed and make my favorite breakfast in the morning. The man would be the one people gravitated to when he walked in a room but he would never cheat and women would never want him. I am being a bit eccentric in my illustration but I am hoping that you get my drift.
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He was humble; the Michael Jordan of his industry. (Michael Jordan although I secretly still love him – is anything but humble which is a MAJOR turn off) His shoulder length was this, and his calves size was that. He didn’t belch loud in front of me or embarrass me in front of company – ever. He spoke perfectly but was not attention seeking.
Okay – this is clearly not my real list but some of these things may be on yours. For some of you, you may want him to be just like your pastor. Are you sure about that? You don’t know how your pastor really treats his wife! And, if he is who you think he is, Rome was not built in a day, and neither was he.
I was at a Quixtar-Amway Convention some years ago and there was this beautiful Indian man on stage. He really confirmed my attraction to Indians. He spoke well, could wear the stitching out of a suit and he had this beautiful family to match. After he finished speaking, his wife approached the podium. You could tell that everyone was really mesmerized by his gorgeousness, all of it. What made him look so beautiful was that in addition to his stature, he was a family man.
There were Ooo’s and Awww’s. His wife said, “I know many of you look at my husband and you think that he is fine, and he is. Many of you women even want my husband but you don’t know him at home.” She went on to say that he is a wonderful husband but he wasn’t always like this. She talked about how he had grown as a man over the years and what people were mesmerized by was the result of hard work, growth and the fruits of her labor; the anointing of the relationship.
Her point was, we often look at the end result, a man who has grown into his greatness and shout, “I want that!” And, on the other hand, we look at what we perceive to be perfection when it fact, it is the devil with a bad suit on, with a sexy bow-legged walk and a fresh shape-up!
I find that in our thinking we are often extremists in choosing a man. We want someone who is either perfect or the other end of the spectrum is to convince ourselves that we have a man who wants more for himself and has a heart for you when in fact he does not.
Making A List and Checking It Twice
Some people say that you should not have a list. I disagree completely. I do believe that God is a very specific God and if you are going to go to God in prayer, you will need to be very thorough with your vision so that the angels can run with it.
I have always had a list about the type of man that I wanted and as I grew older I begin to add-on and also examine what my true desires were. What I found in the end is that many of my wants were related to what I thought would look good as a compliment for me and not necessarily the experience that I wanted to have.
On February 3, 2011 I wrote a blog which turned out to be the very thing that set in motion the mindset that I needed to recognize the person that I will spend the rest of my life with. I looked at my list and asked myself what experience I want to have in my relationships. I begin to think about if I were to be ill, old, sad, happy, affectionate etc… I started to ask questions that are relative to how I will spend my life with someone.
And, the blog helped me to position myself to receive the one.
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Single women who are so caught up in their religion or faith that they do not realize that the man you choose still has to put his pants on in the morning, will continue to be single and live without sex.
So without further ado, here are Five Myths That Keep Women Single.
1. He has to be like your pastor. If he is not called to ministry, particularly the office of the pastor, he may not practice the same gifts as proficiently. In fact, even if he is called to the office of pastor he may have different gifts than the man you are praying for him to be like. Statistically, over 50% of pastors have exta-marital affairs. Also, child molesters have a strategic plan to infiltrate the church. Many pastors are child molesters – period. The tile means nothing. Make sure he walks in the image of God.
2. He has to have a job, car, money, and a house. Honestly, all of these things are superficial. If I were asking for the experience that I want to have personally, I would ask for a man who has an amazing work ethic. Just because he has a job, doesn’t mean that he is likable on that job or even reliable. They may be looking for opportunities to ruin his career because of his character. Although I would have liked for my husband to have a car when we met, and God knew that – God opened a door for him to get a job where they give him a car as a perk. What I really wanted (the experience) was someone who was independent and did not require me to be the taxi driver for their social endeavours.
3. He has to go to church every Sunday. I am not saying that this is not important however, I want to encourage you to remember that you want to ask for the experience that you really want to have in your relationships. Going to church Sunday morning is not as important as how you live your life outside of the two hours that you go to church. Does he have a prayer life? What is his character like? Is he a God-fearing and Godly man?
4. Men Lie. This is indeed a myth. Men do not lie. If you make them feel uncomfortable, nag them to death and create a hostile environment some men will lie without even blinking or thinking twice. However, the first answer with a man is always the truth. Let me explain. If you say, “What are you looking for?” And, they say “Friendship.” And then they add, “I am not really looking for anything but if something happens, it happens.” They mean it. They aren’t looking to marry you. It is just that simple. They are looking for “Friendship” and any man looking for “Friendship” has already calculated the benefits of being your “Friend”.
They are not as complex as we are. What he said, he meant. When I met my husband he said he was looking for marriage. It didn’t mean that he knew he would marry me, but he was clear that this is the type of relationship he was looking for, one that would result in marriage.
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Some people discourage women and men from being this honest upfront but if that is what you are looking for, you need to see whether you and your potential partner have the same goals in mind. There is a big difference between the desire for marriage and a casual sexual experience that spans the a few dates or hook-ups at best.
5. That you must adjust your standards. This is a serious myth. What I encourage is that you change your strict list, to focusing on the experience that you want to have in your relationship so that you can see clearly whether you have someone in front of you that is worth your time.
I do not believe that choosing to date someone without caring about how much money they have is “adjusting your standards.” You are becoming more aware of what is important to you. For many people it is not that he must have alot of money, it is that you want to trust him to take care of the family and having a house, car, job etc makes you feel that security.
If you do want him to have money and that is the only thing that makes you feel that since of security then this is the experience that you want to have. My only question is, What happens when the money leaves?
Of course, I can think of more that five myths that keep women single, but I wanted to get single women thinking about the fact that none of us are perfect. We all have pasts, bills, goals, achievements and disappointments. No matter how close we are to God and are spiritual, we are living in a fleshly body and equally important are how we view and handle situations within our courtships.
If you like this article keep reading. You may click on the links that are in the article for more information on the subject of Life, Love and Relationships! I want to help women especially christian women who have been waiting, and waiting for the right man to come almost brainwashing themselves to believe that he will come riding on a horse as a Knight to deliver you from singleness. Some Christian women call him Boaz.
In my workshops, I seek to help women and men to discover their own heart about their mate-to-be and not the conflicting opinions of others. You have to live with them, and you have to love them so being totally honest about who, what and how you love are imperative in finding the one.
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In my co-ed workshop Seven Steps To Finding The One, we have real talk with a biblical perspective to identify how God sees you, relationships and the steps to preparing you for the one who finds you.
Are you ready?
The things that you believe are holding you back from meeting the one probably don’t even matter to God. Open your heart and position yourself for relationship compatibility and greatness!
Love is and will always be the answer!
Dr. Ressurrection Graves, is a pastoral counselor, workshop facilitator, and relationship mentor. She has authored several books including her memoir, Identity Crisis, Identity Christ Is: A Journey to Love and accepts speaking invitations to talk about being single and whole. She also offers pre-engagement and pre-marital counseling. Dr. Graves’ ministry is non-denominational.