I have to first say that as with child sexual abuse, predators have different profiles, and domestic violence comes with this same kind of distinction. In the popular Tyler Perry plays and movies, Madea (one of the main characters played by TP) gives advice to women who are in abusive relationships.
In one particular play turned movie Tyler Perry says that there are two kinds of men. And here I will paraphrase, Madea mentions that there are men who are crazy. They have screws loose.
Their issues are so present that you probably should have known something was off when you started dating him/her but if you did not it is understandable. You were smitten by something. When he goes off, he goes off. He’s not scared of anyone and he is not crazy to you only, he may have crazy written all over him leaving others intimidated or fearful of connecting with him at all.
The second guy is really a punk. He likes to hit you but he won’t step to your brother. He, you can get away from easy, just cook some hot grits. That other one however, you want to get to a safe house immediately. I’m not playing, I am writing this in a relaxed voice but I am extremely serious.
I would like to add a third type of person that I rarely hear talked about. I’m writing about that person because although I have never been one to beat on my man, I have struggled with anger and have been able to overcome it with work. By getting to the root of why I was angry, which had a lot to do with some of the things that have happened to me, I was able to change my expectations and take a look at the relationships that I entertained.
The third type of person is in my opinion not a serial perpetrator. This person is someone who may have internal conflicts and who may even have anger problems but they do not walk around hurting their spouse with their mouth or their fists on a regular basis.
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The following statements are in NO WAY advocating that if someone goes off one time you should stay. I am not telling you to do that because I would not stay. But, I am introducing this person as someone who may have it in them if provoked to go off. It doesn’t make it acceptable, however I believe several things:
- We must individually be responsible for our actions
- We must make personal commitments to being healthy
- We must choose healthy relationships (and this will vary person to person)
I also believe that when we choose healthy relationships, we open ourselves to receive real love.
The below video is of K. Michelle. I do not know K. Michelle, Latoya Carter (Lil’ Wayne’s Ex-Wife and Memphitz’s current wife), and I do not know Memphitz.
However my belief is this given my description of the third type of person who will not hit their mate:
- It is possible for someone to be in an unhealthy relationship and hit their mate, but enter another relationship and not hit their (new) mate.
I am speaking from my own personal experience. My ex-fiance (thank heavens and Jesus I did not marry him), was always very provoking. He knew me when I was a child and although I had overcome anger, he would always antagonize me and literally try to push buttons to make me angry enough to fight him or someone else.
He was full of drama and I am not. It was HORRIBLE! Still, I thought it was the best I could have at that time since no one else (that I would have been interested in) was pursuing me at the time. In my book, I call him Cobie. In his defense he had a lot of his own demons, and a romantic relationship is a very intimate connection.
You feel things deeply and you can not hide who you are. The other person may choose to close their eyes, or walk away when you show up unfavorably, but honestly you can not hide yourself. People who are not whole, who are selfish, and who are unwilling to work on themselves often find it difficult to maintain healthy relationships.
Long story short, I am married and ecstatic about it. He is freaking amazing FOR ME! And, like all newlywed couples there are adjustments that must be made. There are things about both of our personalities that we must compromise on. He cares about how I clean the collard greens before I cook them. I think whatever is in there will get killed in the water!
That was until I noticed the dirt floating at the bottom of the pot and had to start over. Sometimes his way IS better, and sometimes mine is. The point is, we truly love each other and we don’t seek to compete or promote ourselves. We are open to us both teaching and learning in our relationship.
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I wear the pants in my business but I do wear the skirt (or nothing) at home. Here is where I am going, I believe that sometimes in situations of domestic violence, it could simply be that you are dating the wrong person.
You all are not meant to be. In the case of K. Michelle and Memphitz, this appears to be true.
Until we hear otherwise from past girlfriends whom Memphitz has beat up, and his wife LaToya who has denied him ever treating her in any way that K. Michelle describes, what we need to be clear about in this lesson is that Memphitz was wrong if K. Michelle’s story is true, and that it IS possible that K. Michelle was domestically abused by Memphitz, even though he may not be abusive to anyone else.
Memphitz wife Latoya Carter’s response:
It takes a lot to share your story. The public is always defensive and are quick to choose a side like Pepsi or Coca-Cola. We can’t patronize both, we are dedicated to only one brand. And that is exactly the point. You can’t wear Nike and Reebok, we have to choose. We are always divided. Chris Brown or Rihanna, Bobby Brown or Whitney Houston.
Both Whitney Houston and K. Michelle has admitted to their own abuse. In Whitney’s video she says that Bobby was never physically abusive (except for when he spit on her), and she admitted that she was physically abusive to him. Bobby was emotionally abusive to Whitney with his words she stated. K. Michelle admitted that her mouth provoked Memphitz.
It seems hard for people to understand or perhaps it is hard for me to communicate but I will try to drive this point home. While we do not control each other’s behavior we do control our own, and if you know that something you say to your mother will make her cry, would you say it? If you know that something you say to your professor/teacher will get you kicked out of class, would you say it?
By the end of my relationship with my ex, I can not in good conscious tell you what I was thinking about doing to him but I will say this, the God inside of me made it clear that I was making a choice to be in a relationship that was emotionally abusive. I had never been in one before. And I kept trying to get away. My breaking point was not fear of him, it was fear of me.
I understood that my freedom was in jeopardy and that helped me to realize that it is my choice to be with a man who was not right for me, and who in my opinion was unworthy. I did not snap, I snapped out of the situation. I woke up. I realized that I was in a relationship that I never dreamed of, and if that was true, then I still had a dream to see manifest.
Ironically, the theme for my wedding is, “I Had A Dream And It Came True,” and out anniversary is the same day as the Martin Luther King Jr “I Had A Dream” speech.
In retrospect, I am not glad I went through it but I am glad that I learned what I learned because I do believe that my husband and I have saved some time from issues that we could have had if we both did not know how to handle the situations.
What I am proposing is that in relationships it takes two people to communicate, to love, to decide, to act/react in order to determine the outcome of a given concern.
In no way should we blame K. Michelle for someone else’s actions, and we certainly should not judge her experience. Instead, I hope during October which is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, you choose to revisit the health or your relationships, and reinvent them or get out because love is an action word.
Love is not going to harm you – period!
I am glad that Memphitz found a healthy relationship in LaToya. I agree that she should not have spoken out, and I disagree that she would question whether it happened in public.
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I hate drama so I’m being shameless in saying that I only wrote about this incident because I have a goal to hit 100,000 page views this month. My second reason is that I really want to highlight emotional/psychological abuse.
It hurts. Plain and simple. My husband was playing when he said, “You’re _____” on my way to my office to write this post. Well, my brother used to call me names when I was a child. These names cut me deep and he said it with hatred in his heart which became palpable in his voice.
I have told my husband this but he forgets sometimes. Sometimes I let it slide. But, it is my responsibility to share my heart with him. So, I made a big deal about it (not yelling), and I told him that it reminded me of my brother! He doesn’t want to remind me of anything that would hurt me so I could tell he took note of it.
Had that been my ex, it would have been horrible. He probably would have started taunting me with it and a fight (not physical) would have ensued. Even thinking about my ex makes me want to fight though. That is HORRIBLE!
Words cut deep. It is not about being controlled by words, or these fancy philosophical antidotes to healing. The bottom line is, when you love someone you show it. There is evidence of your love and they are better, favored, extraordinary because your love pushes them into their greatness. If you are not in a relationship that does this, maybe you could consider being single, just long enough to figure out who you are and what experience you really want to have in your relationship.
I wish Memphitz and LaToya the absolute best.
I am adding this video by someone on You Tube who tells a great example of how you can know someone who is wonderful, but not know that they are beating their wife at home.
I was able to find a few more videos that you may like. They aren’t too long. We are talking about Memphitz but I didn’t know who he was outside of Toya. In fact, the above video with K. Michelle gave me the most information about him. So here you are:
Here is a radio interview;
To Memphitz I will say this:
When Steve Harvey’s ex-wife lied about how he treated her, stating that she was left broke busted and disgusted when in fact she was left with a lavish lifestyle including four homes, cash and the children, he chose to be silent. Or, I should say he was advised to be silent. The truth however did come out in court.
The point is that any form of abuse is painful to relive even if you have healed but are subject to ridicule. I am careful not to judge whether this is a truth or a lie but use this situation (based on how it was shared) as an example of how we should require ourselves to be fully engaged in healthy relationships. If you (anyone reading this) do not know what that is, you may not have been exposed to healthy relationships as of yet. This is a great blog to subscribe to and confront some of those issues. Stay tuned….
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Love, Life, and Relationships: Overcoming Emotional and Child Sexual Abuse 