On average, married couples have sex 66 times a year, or a little more than once a week, according to the 2005 General Social Survey conducted by the National Opinion Research Center.
There are so many myths surrounding sex. Sometimes single men believe that sex stops when you get married. Single Christian women believe that they are going to swing from the chandeliers and take no mercy on their soul mate who recognized that they were “worth the wait”. This article is going to shed light on all of your myths and give you the anecdote – truth.
I do not like to hear singles use various myths about sex in marriage to either excuse their behavior or misguide their judgment about the experience that they will have when they enter into the sacred covenant of marriage.
And, in keeping with the theme of this month (December) discovering truths about sex in marriage is part of my learning experience this year. For more information on the “What Have You Learned This Year?” blog please click here.
Myth #1: Sex Stops
On sexual attitudes and habits of 5,865 people between ages 14 and 94. An average of 61 percent of singles reported that they hadn’t had sex within the past year, compared with 18 percent of married people. Looking specifically at those between the ages of 25 and 59, 25 percent of married people reported that they were still having sex two to three times per week versus less than five percent of singles, according to the Center for Sexual Health Promotion via the Huffington Post
Sex does no such thing. People stop. Sex does not stop. But the reality is that married people have more sex than single people. Think about it. Single people have to go through the trouble to find a sex partner (if they are not in a committed sexual relationship), and then depend on the partner to be available. People don’t like rejection so they keep a few people on speed dial so that when they get the urge to release sexually, they have options.
Who wants friends with benefits when you can have a marriage with benefits? Married people appear to have less sex only because they spend more time around each other. Most single people do not have sex every night.
I would venture to say that if you are having sex every single night, as a bachelor or bachelorette and this continues for more than six months you may have an addiction, and compensating sex to fill a void or two.
Sex is extraordinary but it’s nothing compared to the spiritual intimacy connected to a covenant! Remember sex does not stop, people stop.
Like anything in life we must work to have the experience that we want to have but people who are in full communication and love with one another do not have a sexless marriage. I will illustrate this point later.
Myth #2: Sex is Uneventful
Sex can be whatever you want it to be in magnitude. If by eventful you mean that you want to experience various positions, try food or ice, candle wax or hand cuffs, married people do this as well.
The truth is you must ask (God) for the experience that you want to have in your relationships. He will send you what is absolutely best for you, even if you are not sure that to be true initially.
Sex is a wonderful expression of love and a fantastic stress reliever. Sex is exercise which contributes to your overall health and wellness, and it can be healing to your emotional and spiritual self promoting the achievement of balance.
Married people have the benefit of being like Adam and Eve in the garden; naked around each other without fear of being seen. The benefit of being married is becoming one, and often you discover or at least seal this oneness through sexual intimacy.
If you need to have more adventure in your sexual relationship in marriage, you can simply ask for it. Your partner must be willing however, you can not force anyone married or not to engage in your personal fantasies.
I would encourage you to weigh your adventure. Is it a fun experience you want to have with your mate that will express love? Is it a degrading request that may hurt your partner and raise sexual intimacy issues?
Either way communication is always important and keeping those lines open will allow you to learn your mates heart. I encourage you to ask yourself those questions so that you can keep in contact with your own personal motives. Are you promoting love or lust in your marital relationship?
Have fun. Role play. Go on adventures. Single people need to know that married people are not suffering in the love-making department. Marriage is awesome.
Myth#3: Sex will BE. Extraordinary!
I am always telling people to BE. Extraordinary! in everything that they do. Here is the thing, you must come to the table without any pre-determined expectation about what sex will be like.
The best way to embrace your marriage sex life is by simply creating it. There will be some natural things that you enjoy during sex but it becomes an expression of love when you have a one-on-one experience with your mate, uncomparable to your past.
Also making love is about being intertwined. You must learn your mate, and provide them with intense pleasure. Your concerns can not be self-centered because your mate will always get the short end of the stick – literally. Men and women often need different things. In fact, each man and each woman have different needs.
Your old boyfriend may have wanted his nipples pinched, while your husband may find it feminine. Communication is key. Ask questions. Making love is one thing that you should not be shy about.
The most gifted bachelor who has lots of sexual escapades can please anyone with mild jiration and a weighted penis but can he learn how to pleasure a woman for an extended period of time? Will he exhibit selfishness or become lazy afterwhile?
Making love will be as extraordinary as you make love out to be in your relationship, however it is dangerous to assume that your sexual experience with your husband will be like something or someone who you had before. To re-word Gandhi, be who you want to see in your bedroom.
Myth #4: Sex is Possible, An endless supply
Many people assume that when you get married, you can have it anytime, anywhere, anyway. We often assume that our mates will automatically consent. After all, we are married, right?
The reason that sexual violence is possible in marriage is that some people believe that the woman doesn’t have the right to say no if they are married. There are men who are raped as well.
You have to account for variable change. In an older post, I asked people if they could handle it if their mate were diagnosed with a disease which impacted their sex lives. There are many autoimmune diseases that “seem” common which lower hormonal levels and leave people without sexual desires.
For many people, they have sexual desires but not as often as they would without being diagnosed with a disease. If you’re a good-hearted person you probably would understand, but your body won’t. Everyone will go through this same door of questioning, and it will take communication, love and respect to push past the confusion of not having sex on demand.
There must be compromise on both parts. Sometimes you will have to accept the answer no. Sometimes you all will have to do some sexual things that may not include intercourse because someone is tired etc… and sometimes the person who is too tired, will have to push past that feeling in order to support their wife or husband in feeling loved.
It is dangerous to withhold sex, and it is equally dangerous not to make it a priority.
Myth #5: Sexual Deprivation by Women
Men walk around with their proverbial balls hanging to the ground. They have sacks that need female assistants to walk them around (so they think). I will never understand why males as young as high school walk around lying or being honest revealing the sex that they had – and get patted on the back for it while a female can be equally active and be called a slut by her own kind, and degraded to the lowest possible level of importance by the men that want to sleep with them. Promiscuity does not have gender discrimination.
It has been studied many times that men want sex less than women. Men peak at about 19. They have fun in their twenties and then I like to say that they even out. I don’t want to claim that anyone goes down hill so even out is more suitable. The point is, women want to make love more.
We want it and we want it now. Usually women who do not want sex are unhappy in their marriage unless there is a medical reason that they are not having sex. If the man has not selflessly learned her languages of love, and expects her to have sex even after she feels burdened, overworked and underappreciated, I probably wouldn’t bother to have sex with him either. God I hope this never happens.
You May Also Like: The Rules of Engagement: Biblical Dating and Marriage
Men often lose patience for sex citing that women take too long to reach a climax. But I think that part of being adventurous and in love while having fun doing it can motivate you to find out just how much you can pleasure her. Instead of asking when in the free world she will cum, try asking yourself, Can I make her cum multiple times?
Rather than rushing her to release, enjoy the journey. Enjoy her enjoying you.
So, the truth is all you singles, women want sex. We are not too tired. Wake me up! I’ll sleep better after some good-lovin’! Of course, by my enthusiasm you understand that I have a healthy appetite but even in the event that you are in love with someone who doesn’t, I think each relationship and each person is different. Have a concentrated conversation about sex.
I realize after writing this that I can not give married people five myths without offering five quick tips.
- Communication – Make sure that you all have a healthy, open conversation about your wants and needs – then maturely compromise about how often, what positions, and all of the other specifics that will improve your love life.
- Be Selfless – There will be times that you may not get what you want. You have to remember that your partner is your partner. We are not put together to dictate and take each other’s will forcing them to submit. It is more beautiful when someone submits out of their desire to please you. Likewise, the party struggling to have the desire for sex has to understand that we don’t live by our feelings, but by our spirits. Sexual intimacy is a spiritual experience. And, there are times for compromise.
- Take Initiative – I wish I could tell you that your mate will be motivated to be more romantic because you want them to. I wish I could tell you that they’ll do it if you ask them to. The truth is, you must initiate it, and in a healthy relationship, they’ll show appreciation for your efforts and you will be rewarded in some way.
- Love your mate – the key is understanding that this is truly about love. Being married is not being single, in no way shape or form. When you love someone, you stick by them and the things that are important to them are important to you. The closer you grow in love, the more quickly these problems get solved, together.
- Do what it takes – If working out will make you healthier so that you’ll desire sex with your spouse, then be faithful in working out together. If you know that there is something you can do to contribute to a more sexually healthy relationship with your spouse DO IT! Don’t delay. Your lack of effort can be taken personally. You’re a team. Devise a game plan with your team-mate, and get in the game.
If you are reading this and you are in a sexless marriage, consider having sex for a specific amount of time. For example, you all could agree to go seven straight days with sex or try 365 days! You think that it will take away spontaneity but it will actually work its own spiritual awakening in both of you. You will find it a learning experience, fun and create lasting memories that set the tone for the rest of your sex life.
Now, all married people to the bedroom! Take all the time you need. Go have sex. Go make love.
Ressurrection Graves is a H.E.A.L.E.R., Healer, Educator, Activist, Life Skills Expert, Empowerment Speaker and Relationship Mentor. She is available for speaking engagement surrounding child sexual abuse healing and prevention, and emotional wellness in relationships. ressurrection(dot)wordpress(at)yahoo(dot)com.
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I love this post! Haven’t yet had marriage to know how it will be like, but before being in committed relationship, I had many preconceptions about that as well, and most of them were wrong. I think if you make an honest effort(of course that depends on the other person too) a marriage can be a wonderful thing, and sex can stay exciting even after many years with the same person, as long as you make it a point to try new things together, and be open to talking to the other person about all you might want or need, as well as his/hers needs. Actually, I think that’s important in any relationship, not just marriage.
Absolutely. So true. Thank you for reading and feel free to share! 🙂
Well I’m ready to get married and do some serious, back breaking research.
ROTFL I know that’s right. 🙂
Still single..but enjoyed the info. Very insightful.
Thanks sis. Are you going to write something for the December theme? What Have Your Learned This Year? It would be awesome if you feel inspired to do so. Bless you sis. Res
I probably will. I’ll get back to you on that 😀
Bless you too Sis Res 🙂
May I re-post (not reblog) this interesting article?
What is your website?
Hi, I checked out your wordpress blog. Thanks so much for liking my post but I cannot approve you to re-post the article. Please consider reblogging.
Thanks so much!
interesting article. I have some questions and opinions:
Are you married?
The surveys and studies you cited from the Huffington Post reflect the sex lives of married and single people. It would make sense that single people would have less sex than married people because, as you said, they don’t have a partner. Once someone is married, one would think that these people are so in love with each other that they got married, and now they can have all the sex they want.
“…communication is always important and keeping those lines open will allow you to learn your mates heart” – well said, and probably the most important point.
“There are men who are raped as well.” – I’m a man who has never been married, but this has happened to me. Glad to hear a woman say it.
“Promiscuity does not have gender discrimination.” – You seem to be contradicting yourself here. Earlier in that paragraph you state that if women are as promiscuous as men then they get labeled as a whore or something. This is still very prevalent in today’s society. Is that warranted or unfair?
I’d love to hear your comments. You may also like reading my book
which deals with these issues.
Hello Dreamer 1, Thank you for your response. Yes, I am married. My comment “Promisuity does not have gender discrimination” is a statement not an observation.
I’m agreeing with my first point where I said that women are labeled. I am never condoning promiscuity but I do believe it comes from a place, and that place is often abuse – not always, but often.
My feeling is that if women are labeled a whore, men should be too – therefore ending discrimination in promiscuity.
I’m not literally saying that we should speak negative things about anyone, I’m really focusing on the attitude and the beliefs behind people’s actions, or inactions.
It is assumed that men are awesome if they are whores, and we know that many men have been abused too. We are ignoring the signs because of gender roles. Does that make sense?
Hopes so. Thanks so much for your comments and questions!
Maybe no one should be labeled a whore, male or female. Jesus was a good friend to a woman who was labeled a whore.
I see you feel that promiscuity stems from abuse. That tells me that you think promiscuity is wrong. If any person – male/female – enjoys sharing themselves in a way that is not harmful to themselves or anyone else, why is that wrong?
I think I should answer this question offline. But to give you a condensed answer I believe that promiscuity often stems from abuse, and I do believe that promiscuity whether it stems from abuse or not, is harmful.
When we exchange during a sexual relationship we literally receive and give parts of who we are spiritually. There are natural and supernatural reasons why free sex can be harmful.
As I mentioned, I think this question would be better answered offline.