What have I learned this year?
I have learned that there are seemingly good relationships that are poisonous when that one person isolates you from being in contact with others. It was a form of control and abuse that started off subtly, but in the end I had to unfortunately (and yet fortunately) drop that relationship once I realized that this person was not out there for my best interests.
Although I advocate not being in an abusive situation or relationship; after this experience this year, I realize that sometimes we can be blinded in a relationship that is not healthy and can get caught up in trying to maintain it because you trust the person.
Such controlling methods are not always overt; they can be groomed into a person until they are completely manipulated by subtle approaches. Once I cut this person off out of my life, it was amazing to see how vindictive they could become after the fact once I opened up my eyes.
I know that Sister Res did a post regarding how sexual predators can groom a child or a person to be sexually abused and had an example of a man guilty of doing so to the daughter of his ex-bestfriend. When I look back on that article, I remember my own experience of abuse when I was child and have come to recognize that my abuser is guilty of grooming me into sexual abuse although I was 5 at the time…the point is…the same tactics were used to manipulate me into trusting the individual and then the abuse started.
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I would like to say that it is not always easy to detect the false pretenses of a person’s character; however, it is not necessarily impossible either. Once you recognize the elements of the relationship are causing you to be distanced and isolated from other people …that is the one and most important indication that there is something wrong with the person that you are hanging out with.
No person has the right to manipulate you into being isolated from loved ones. This is how the cycle of abuse gets started…if a person can isolate you successfully, you have allowed the person to fully control your being and sometimes it is not easy to recognize when you are being manipulated by the “sweet nothings” that these perps groom your ears to hear and then enter into your heart as a solid “belief” that blocks you from reason.
Be careful and take heed to others noticing that there is something wrong with the person you are hanging out with when they warn you or make consistent remarks about that person. If several people have reached a consensus and are warning you that the person you are hanging out with is poisonous to your well-being, don’t easily dismiss their claims but consider then and start to analyze what they say with the persons conduct. It all goes down to learning to discern people. Not many people are very good at it…but it is important to learn to discern people for who they really are.
As a person who has studied criminology, these patterns of grooming, manipulating and controlling people all have a common nature about them that is psychotic in their behavior. Serial Killers have these traits and cold-blooded murderers share the same qualities. I would also like to state that even cults share the same methods in their manipulative circles but that’s another story for another day.
I wrote a post about False Humility and Sister Res’ post regarding the sexual grooming of Jason Kidd’s daughter by his ex-best-friend revealed that the abuser in that situation had all the traits I described in that post. It is important to identify when a relationship starts to become unhealthy. If manipulation is present in a relationship, then know when it is time to get out.
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As with all relationships, TRUST is the most important element in a relationship and when it is perverted by manipulation, the relationship ceases and it becomes a game of control which can lead to abuse.
Recognize the signs and do not be afraid to cut off the relationship once you realize that it has turned into something unhealthy. I admit that it can take time to break away from such an unhealthy relationship because of how much your emotions have been invested into the relationship. However, like me who was in a friend relationship that turned sour, I feel more freedom from having cut that relationship off after I realized that this “so-called” friend was isolating me from meaningful relationships with others.
I became so absorbed with whatever they were about. I have more friends now than I ever did when I was still being manipulated by this person whom I thought was a “true friend” but found out was not.
This is what I have learned this year and I pray that people learn to not be too trusting of people and learn to discern when it comes to certain people in your life. You can seriously live without them even if they try to convince you that you need them. The truth is that it’s actually the other way around, manipulators need you in order to feed their ego trip.
- True freedom comes when you acknowledge that you deserve better than to be isolated, manipulated and controlled by someone you trust.
- Relationships should never isolate you from others…they should build you with others in your life.
- Realize that you deserve better, maintain self-respect, and cut off mercilessly any unhealthy relationships that you are involved in once you identify that you are in one.
God Bless you everybody and Sister Res’ for this opportunity to share my thoughts about what I learned this year.
Sherline T. © 2012. All Rights Reserved.
Sherline Tavaya is a guest contributor here and can be found on her own blog by clicking here.
Ressurrection is a Child Sexual Abuse Expert, and H.E.A.L.E.R. –Healer, Educator, Activist, Life Skills Expert, Empowerment Speaker, Relationship Mentor. She writes and speaks about her own personal journey, and uses her extensive research in presentations to churches, schools, homeless shelters and business environments nationally. She can be contacted at: ressurrection (dot) wordpress (at) yahoo (dot) com