How do you handle your triggers?

Yesterday was a beautiful sunny day in Washington, DC. There was a lot of traffic I presume because people were anxious to enjoy it. Not humid that I remember at all, just really beautiful. My husband and I, who had a small, private ceremony last year are having our big to-do this year. Who gets married without a bridal shower? I mean, you want the prayers, wisdom and hopefully lingerie that these parties bring right?

In perfect fashion, we rented this place:

There were waterfalls in the front of the clubhouse, and a lot of space within the two rooms that we rented. There was only one problem: not everyone who promised to show up, did. And although there were over 20 people, we expected more like 50.

On this blog, I’ve written various types of articles to help adults who are overcoming affects of child sexual abuse. At first, this space was used for my own healing process. Now, I’m changing focus. I believe healing happens in two ways: miraculous and over time. I also believe that healing is not one total package. In other words someone with cancer may be miraculously healed of cancer, however they may need spiritual or emotional healing which may take time.

Similarly, I’ve found that there are different areas of us, which need healing and some of those areas have an instantaneous response to faith and the anointing, and some of those areas are healed as we apply faith and are open to revelation.

After yesterday’s very fun bridal-groom shower party thingy, I found myself holding back tears. Mostly because I’m not single anymore so, I can’t hide sadness. My husband has a different way of handling how people connected to him (who were supposed to show up) or who he may have wanted to come were absent.

Not only could I not hide the sadness from my husband, but my mother who is responsible for throwing such an awesome shindig for me and D, is staying over. Did I also mention my daughter who knows me inside out? I overheard her talking about me at a speaking engagement last week, and she told some of the audience members as they were taking us out to dinner that I was her best friend.

At 6:00am this morning, I woke up, still riddled by yesterday. My hubby’s fast asleep, this is a perfect time to cry. My mother however wakes up at 5:00am! Help Jesus. I loved yesterday. I adored that family members who I were not expecting not only showed up but contributed to the success of the day. I think I need to take my sister out to eat because she really was amazing yesterday and I’m so grateful.

I hope that writing this article does not make people who came, gave gifts, participated in my very lively games and wished us well, feel that their love was not deeply empowering and warmly received. We love you!

Here is something I’ve been thinking about for a while. I don’t want a wedding reception. In fact, I don’t really want the wedding. But, I do want the vows. People are unreliable. They have made priorities and many times you are not included in them. In the times that we live in, people don’t cherish family as they once did, and keeping your word it seems is not an integrity issue. On the other hand, I understand that people can become distracted or change their mind at the last minute. We only planned this day one year and a half ago! People have known about it as an event for at least six months. But, I digress.

And then it hit me, like a ton of bricks I finally get it. I think it’s much easier for me to just do what God has called me to do because I expect no results from people. I never look for people to give me anything in exchange for doing something for them, because that is just who I am – you know?

But when I have a party or something that is personally important to me, and is not business or ministry, it hits me so incredibly hard when people do not come through. In this case, I’m expecting the best and the best case scenario is that people will show up. Some light bulb just went off and I realize that this is a trigger for me. Maybe it reminds me of my childhood and I just didn’t realize it until now.

Protecting myself from triggers that make me sad enough to write about it is important to me. D doesn’t ever have to have a party. He’s good with his wife, food, work, chill time (because all men need that) and helping the homeless.

In the spirit of my friend and maid of honor’s advice I want to truly celebrate how amazing the event was despite my surprise that more people whom I love did not make an appearance.

However, for my peace I have decided that if having a private event (remember I am not talking about business or ministry), is a trigger for me to be saddened or have an unusual level of disappointment (because those around me are either completely unaffected or trying to be happy because I’m not), then I need to do what is necessary to maintain emotional health.

People always say go out while on top right? I’d say that this is the event to do it with. If it needs an rsvp, I’m not having it. You see, my primary love language had a tie for quality time, and physical touch. This means I love love, to be around it, and feel it!

I promise you, I am not trying to be sad. I have a responsibility to myself to take care of areas that are unchecked. I genuinely love supporting others and doing what God has called me to do, in business and in ministry. These events are celebration enough.

D received some nice gifts yesterday mostly from his wife (me) and mother-in-law. We knew he would unlikely receive anything at all because is a man and the focus would be on me because of tradition. After opening his gifts he said, “We have to take care of you.” In other words, he was saying that it was my turn.

Please don’t get me wrong. I’d love some gifts. If I told you what I needed you’d be shocked. But of the Five Love Languages, 1 being primary, and 5 being least primary, gifts are number 5. I just wanted people to show up.

So, how do you handle your triggers? I don’t know that I’ve mastered the answer but I’m hoping that this experience will help you to identify any areas that you feel are unchecked triggers.

1. Identify the source of your unhappiness
2. Determine what experience you want to have
3. Be honest about whether you control having this experience
4. Do what you are able to, to bring you into total peace
5. Release emotions that are associated with your saddness
6. Return to Joy

In returning to joy you rejoice which literally means to have joy again. The bible says that the Joy of the Lord is your strength. Joy represents the power to overcome. I take authority today and overcome sadness with joy. I choose to think on things that reflect how God has been more than enough in my life, and how he has been my joy in times past. Joy is a spirit. Happiness is a fleeting emotion. When we access joy, we don’t have to feel joyful but it will rise up despite of the obvious indifference.

May you and yours experience the power to overcome today. Have Joy.

Ressurrection writes and speaks on subjects surrounding child sexual abuse, and homelessness. She is a healer and minister who offers pastoral counseling. Additionally she has started an organization with her husband entitled Glory Soldiers Global. She is available for speaking engagements, radio and television interviews.