Last week I wrote a blog entitled Family Separation: Insanity or Sound Mind I have to first admit that that particular day was emotionally a little difficult. There seemed to be a lot of circumstances going on around me, hence the mention of so many things in the blog article.
If you have been reading my blogs, you know what is going on in my life right now, and unfortunately, I am going on 16 hours days, wearing nothing but jeans, t-shirts and tennis shoes. I don’t know the last time I took a moment to exercise and I am starting to feel uncomfortable as I used to when I did not work out.
Exercise helps your mind, and your spirit. I had an ongoing issue with my sister that has really put all of the icing on the cake, and instead of the cherry on top it’s like someone went and got a blow torch.
I do not want to share what decisions I have made because I talk about this in Identity Crisis, Identity Christ Is: A Journey to Love my memoir due to be released Resurrection Sunday April 2011. During this particular situation, my mother has expressed her feelings about how I have been treated openly. And for the first time in my life, my mother has finally told my siblings that they do in fact treat me different.
I really don’t want to spend time on family news but I wanted to say that I am still learning as well. My mother told me something that made me feel like she was not standing up for the right thing. I have felt that she is the matriarc of the family and she is supposed to keep the family together.
My mom has her own side of the story to share and as much as I honor, love and respect my mother, I had considered taking a step back, to separate from her completely. She later told me that she remained unresponsive to this suggestions when I shared it with her because she thought I had gone crazy or lost my mind or something. She was being sarcastic. “I didn’t know what was wrong with you”, she said.
I have recognized that this is necessary for other family members but even sharing those thoughts of separating from my mother made my heart ache. I love her so much, and I have so much compassion for her. Sometimes I want to protect her and she won’t let me.
Well, after a situation that lead to a case being dismissed, which was the appropriate thing to do anyway, my mother said to me that she cannot control my siblings. We are adults! Although I may handle things differently, I have to realize that just as I have certain concerns with being too connected, others may not be able to disconnect but try to reduce emotional abuse as much as possible. In other words, I have certain coping mechanisms and so does she. We are in two totally different positions. I am a sibling to people that I have disassociated myself with while she is the mother of these same people. She could never abandon her children, and she loves them too.
My mom answered some questions that I have been wanting answers to, and as you will find in my book, if you compare this conversation from the way that I grew up my mom has grown tremendously!
She said, “You are a communicator. I am not and never have been.” She thinks that was hard to say but that was so profound! This is beyond parenting as I talk about in the book. I love that she was able to identify the areas about herself that may not change, for reasons I am unwilling to share to preserve her own privacy.
My mom is beautiful and the last thing I wanted was total separation from HER. Now them other ones are a whole different pot of tea! I was so happy to hear her end the conversation by saying, “And, if you don’t know that I love you, I want you to know that I do. I love you.”
My mom called the other day and was talking to me on the phone. She had a question about my book. Of course she has the very first copy, and she has it in a hardcopy. The book is absolutely beautiful by the way. I know you can’t wait until you get yours.
My mother said, “I am really disturbed by this book.” And, I rushed to get off of the phone to keep from crying because I thought that she was going to say that she did not like the book. I thought that she was speaking in a tone of disappointment. I can’t tell you how it feels for my mom to be disappointed in you. Instead, when I called her back, after finishing the other phone conversation that I was on, she said, “I had no idea.”
I warned my mother that the details of the book may be of stories that she is aware of, and stories that she is not. I told her that she may not want to read the book because hearing a story and reading it are very different.
She said that she had to actually put the book down because it hurt her heart. We NEVER want to hurt our parents, but to hear that something affected her brought tears to my eyes because I began to know that she really had feelings toward me.
You may say, “That is your mother, why would she not love or have feelings for you?” Well, there are many people who don’t truly love their children. They see them as burdens, or responsibilities but they don’t really allow their hearts to get involved.
Long story short, I feel like my mother changed before my eyes. I was in the car yesterday, and she screamed at me for no reason. My siblings talk to her any-kind-of-way and yell and scream at her. She was just frustrated driving, and she apologized. I almost broke down crying because she apologized. I didn’t say anything back, I just sat there. I think she is beginning to realize how growing up having experienced certain things was so horrible for me.
This book is about healing and it will heal if you allow it to. If you look at it from the perspective of judgment and ridicule, then that is what you will receive.
The call to action is in the title, and we are on A Journey to Love.
I still cringe at the thought of her reading anymore of the book. She may not like some things in there, she may hurt for me but I realize that the book healed me, and now I have to allow it to work through the process with those around me.