In the blogosphere there is a themed title reaching millions of people entitled, “Things I’m Afraid to Tell You”. Last year it was, “My Letter to My Younger Self” or “My Letter to My Sixteen-Year-Old Self”. There were many letters that followed, and blogs became books as powerful revelations came from being authentically true to yourself.
I love my readers. I appreciate your support, and I have always been candid. Sometimes, I have felt that my work was too candid but I hit “publish” anyway, and I found that those particular blog articles were the ones that helped my readers to grow, and to heal. I also found that those blog articles made people find me who were in search of something specific to which my blog had the answer.
Here are five of those blog articles that I have found has had the above effect. If you have not read them, please feel free to do so after this blog, and share with your friends, family, and on your own blog if you have one through WordPress’s “Reblog” feature.
1. I don’t have a team
Well, that statement is only partially true. I am afraid to tell you that I don’t have a professional team. I have my mother, my husband and my daughter who accounts for family, and an intimate group of friends who love and support me with all of their might.
As personal friends, they are not particularly interested in reading every single blog and re-blogging or re-posting them. I do have one friend that does support my writing by actually reading my work on a consistent basis and it means the absolute world to me.
But, I don’t have a professional team. I need one. I pray for God to send me the people who are supposed to run with my vision, and I believe that they will come. However the truth is my subject matter sucks.
I don’t write or talk about anything that makes you feel good. In order to talk about healing, I have to acknowledge that one is broken. Only people who are on a deliberate journey to overcome incest, and sexual violence will like my work.
When I started a campaign on Indiegogo they told me that I would earn 80% more donations if people saw a “team” raising money. Perception seems to be a motivating factor in choosing to support someone’s body of work. The more popular you are, the more that people will pay you.
I guess I’ll know that I have elevated when people stop assuming that I should work, travel, write, live for free. I know that is a loaded statement but in the interest of your attention span, I will go on to the next thing that I’m afraid of telling you.
2. How much I despise rejection
We all do. I don’t know if we inherit the rejection from some supernatural subconsciousness but rejection feels like a stab wound in the heart. Period. Especially for someone who has struggled with being rejected from their family members, facing insurmountable odds in areas of education, career and relationships.
When you work diligently and continue to be unrecognized for your work it feels as if your are not making an impact or that you are ineffective. Although I have readership, there are certain peaks that I have pursued, and it feels like just when I think I have arrive at a beautiful peak, it was a valley.
People want you to be in the “in crowd”. But what the heck is the “in crowd” with a subject like child sexual abuse? In short, homeless people will understand me best. Small business owners, aspiring entrepreneurs who get rejection after rejection when they look for money to support their vision too. And, I guarantee you that more small business owners than you know are homeless or one rejection away from it.
I can stomach disagreement, but rejection holds an uncomfortable place in my life, especially because 99% of the time that I am rejected there is an undertone of discrimination.
The upside to my confession is that I have learned that rejection often positions me for God’s plan to reveal itself. All of the no’s did not mean never. And just because one person discriminated against you, or rejected you, does not mean that someone else with discernment, will not understand your vision and support you even if you appear to be unqualified.
3. I don’t want to be homeless anymore
I am using my skills. I have overcome homelessness. Homelessness, for me at least has a lot to do with financial affliction. For all of the things that I could list that appear to be an obstacle, the truth is, I have shown that I have skills that are pushing past any limits that may statistically be set for me.
I was homeless three years, and even right now as a housed person I still can not find a job. I periodically put my resume out there. I apply for homeless shelters and churches. I have applied for positions with all different requirements. I even sent out my resume for review for an internship at $15 an hour (because I am in the process of writing my bestseller).
I personally believe that the hiring system created in this country is flawed. The current system does not allow people to sell themselves in the interview rather, the focus is on education alone. I can’t tell you how many child molesters have jobs. Oh, wait yes I can. 64%. If you follow my blog, I have reported medical doctors, professors, and people with various levels of higher education who hurt customers, and are liabilities. The people who are changing this country through sexual abuse – they hold specialized skills marketed handsomely by their doctorate degrees and elite employment positions.
With that said, I’m afraid to tell you that I don’t want to be homeless anymore because the perception people have of your success is flawed. We assume that people with a nice website, or great marketing skills have money. We assume that people can afford to speak for free. We assume a lot of things, and I have been told (so I know it is true) that I have been discriminated against because of my name. I was temping years ago and they thought I was bright. They were floored by my ability to jump in and run the office after five minutes of training. Yet, they said that they did not like my hair.
That was one of the most uncomfortable days. All of the white people in the office kept walking by me, or peeking around the corner as if they were confused. I love myself. I really do not care who does not like me because I know who I am, but perceptions do affect me, and my ability to take care of my family.
I’m afraid of telling you that I don’t want to be homeless again, as much as I’m afraid of actually being homeless again. And, although I try not to push sales on people, buying my book will keep me writing, and put food on the table.
I know Robert Kiyosaki said that “Rich Dad, Poor Dad” was a business card, a brochure that was supposed to sell his game “Cashflow”. However, I am a writer! My book is not the appetizer it is the main course. For me, speaking is the business card.
The real fear is that I don’t know how to do anything else. I am not skilled to be a secretary. Honestly, I don’t have the skills to be a secretary. I do not consider this type of position to be beneath me, it just requires different skills.
I was born an entrepreneur, a writer, a visionary. Some people come in and take over because they need to feel important. They need to be in charge. I on the other hand, can not contain my discernment when I walk into a space. I see things that people don’t. I am a solution provider. A business woman. I can’t do anything else. It is a gift. One day I’ll be able to open it.
This exercise was not supposed to depress you. I’m a bit misty-eyed myself. So, to end this on a brighter note, I’ll remind you of one of my greatest supporters. My husband is amazing. He makes me the best tea, sneaks into my office and kisses my face. He listens to my stories, and gives his male-view. He helps define scientific research that I do not understand.
He never hounds me about missing me when I’m caught up writing. He came to me the other day and told me that when I’m researching or writing something that is really hard to internalize – he’ll come into my office and sit (in a chair that he brought in here for himself) and pray to dispel evil and summon protection and peace.
He married me knowing that I could not promise that people would buy my books, or hire me to speak. He was forewarned that I have no clue of when I will reach my tipping point. He also knew that I couldn’t do anything else. I don’t know how to.
I am being who I am. I think there is something supernatural about being you at your core. Once you identify your gifts and choose not to use them, I believe this is irresponsible, and unnatural.
I’m afraid to tell you that on a cellular level, I believe that I am doing work that will heal the world. I’m afraid to tell you that in my mind I struggle with whether the gifts that God has given me will ever be accepted, because they are coming from me (an overweight – but sexy, African-American -though this can be challenged, woman with dreadlocks down her back), who has little positive memories of her childhood.
I have found victory over those areas as an adult, but I know that if I were not sexually abused, my path would have been different. And that is why I want to make sure that children born in to this world do not have to worry about experiencing child sexual abuse. If they do, I want a solution in place that will help them to continue to develop mentally. I want them to be whole people who heal from traumatic events, not discovery when triggered by crisis’.
How is that for fearful confession?
Ressurrection is a child sexual abuse grooming expert seeking to make it a felony. She is an author and speaker on topics surrounding emotional wellness, relationships and child sexual abuse. She is available for interviews and speaking engagements by phone or nationwide. 202.717.7377 and ressurrection(dot)wordpress(at)yahoo.com